Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus

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p.g.15 Chapter2 Mr. Fix-IT and the Home-Improvement Committee

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don’t listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix-It cap and offers her a solutions to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn’t appreciate this gesture of love. No matter how many times she tells him that he’s not listening, he doesn’t get it and keeps doing the same thing. She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions. The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a home-improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she persists- waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she’s nurturing him, while he feels he’s being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance. These two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. Let’s pretend to go back in time, where by observing life on Mars and Venus- before the planets discovered one another or came to Earth- we can gain some insights into men and women.

p.g.17 To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to so or that he can’t do it on his own.

Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. He reasons: “Why involve someone else when I can do it by myself?” he keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help from another to find a solution. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign on weakness. However, if he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honored by the opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. Fix-It hat, listens for awhile and then offers some jewel of advice. This Martian custom is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix-It hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and of trying to help. He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems. Once he has offered a solution, however, and she continues to be upset it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is being rejected and he feels increasingly useless. He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.

p.g.21 Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unsolving she may sound to him.

For many men, it is very important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it is a small thing like driving to a restaurant or party. Ironically he may be more sensitive about the little things than the big. His feelings are like this: “If I can’t be trusted to do a small thing like get us to a party, how can she trust me to do the bigger things?” Like their Martian ancestors, men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places, or solving problems. These are the time when he needs her loving acceptance the most and not her advice or criticism.

p.g.37 To forget her own painful feelings a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others.

How Men React When Women Need to Talk When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better. A man doesn’t know that she will appreciate it if he just listens. Martians talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice. If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. Is she seems less upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice. If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts his Mr. Fix-It hat to solve her problems. If he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. In both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen. If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. After offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. This is because Martians themselves feel better with solutions, as long as they have asked for a solution to be offered. When she doesn’t feel better, he feels his solutions have been rejected, and he feels unappreciated. On the other hand, if he feels attacked, the he begins to defend himself. He thinks if he explains himself that she will stop blaming him. The more he defends himself, however, the more upset she becomes. He doesn’t realize that explanations are not what she needs. She needs him to understand her feelings and let her move on to talk about more problems. If he is wise and just listens, then a few moments after she is complaining about him, she will change the subject and talk about other problems as well. Men also become particularly frustrated when a woman talks about problems that he can do nothing about. For example, when a woman is stressed she could complain: “I’m not getting paid enough at work.” “my aunt is Louise is getting sicker and sicker, each year she gets sicker.” “Our house just isn’t big enough.” “This is such a dry season. When is it going to rain?” “We are almost overdrawn in our bank account.”

A woman might make any of the above comments as a way of expressing her worries, disappointments, and frustrations. She may know that nothing more can be done to solve these problems, but to find relief she still needs to talk about them. She feels supported if the listener relates to her frustration and disappointment. She may, however, frustrate her male partner- unless he understands that she just needs to talk about it and then she will feel better. Men also become impatient when women talk about problems in great detail. A man mistakenly assumes that when a woman talks in great details that all the details are necessary for him to find a solutions to her problem. He struggles to find their relevance and becomes impatient. Again, he doesn’t realize that she is looking not for a solution from him but for his caring and understanding. In addition, listening is difficult for a man because he mistakenly assumes there is a logical order when she randomly changes from one problems to another. After she has shared three or four problems he becomes extremely frustrated and confused trying logically to relate these problems. Another reason a man may resist listening is that he is looking for the bottom line. He cannot begin formulating his solution until he knows the outcome. The more details she gives the more he is frustrated listening. His frustration is lessened if he can remember that she is greatly benefiting by talking about the details. If he can remember that talking in detail is helping her to feel good, then he can relax. Just as a man is fulfilling through working out the intricate detail s of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.

p.g.52 Learning to Receive.

Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected, judged, or abandoned. Rejection, judgment, and abandonment, are most painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had to suppress her feelings, needs or wishes. A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn’t deserve to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. A part of her imagines that she will not be supported. Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn’t trust him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she doesn’t trust him to support her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness. At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in truth it is her hopelessness, desperation, and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness. “Needing” is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. “Neediness,” however, is desperately needing support because you don’t trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated. For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her top depend on others and then be ignored, forgotten, or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy.

p.g.56 Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving.

A man is particularly vulnerable to this incorrect belief. It generates within him the fear of failing. He ants to give but is afraid he will fail, so he doesn’t try. If his biggest fear is inadequacy, he naturally is going to avoid any unnecessary risks. Ironically, when a man really cares a lot his fear of failure increases, and he gives less. To avoid failure he stops giving to the people he wants to give to the most. When a man is insecure he may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself. His most automatic defensive response is to say “I don’t care.” For this reason, the Martians did not let themselves feel or care too much for others. By becoming successful and powerful they finally realized that they were good enough and that they could success in giving. They then discovered the Venusians. Although they had always been good enough, they process of providing their power prepared them for the wisdom of self-esteem. Through becoming successful and then looking back, they realized that their every failure was necessary to achieve their later successes. Every mistake had taught them a very important lesson necessary to achieve their goals. Thus they realized they had always been good enough.

Chapter 5 Speaking Different Languages

p.g. 64 “I want to forget everything” translated to Martian means “I want you to know that I love my work and my life but today I am so overwhelmed. I would love to do something really nurturing for myself before I have to be responsible again. Would you ask me ‘What’s the matter?’ and then listen with empathy without offering any solutions? I just want to feel you understanding the pressures I feel. It would make me feel so much better. It helps me to relax. Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and handling things.”

Without this translation, when a woman says “I want to forget everything” a man may hear “I have to do so much that I don’t want to do. I am so unhappy with you and our relationship. I want a better partner who can make my life more fulfilling. You are doing a terrible job.”

“This house is always a mess” translated into Martian means “today I feel like relaxing, but the house is so messy. I am frustrated and I need a rest. I hope you don’t expect me to clean it all up. Would you agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to help clean up part of it?” without this translation, when a woman says, “This house is always a mess” a man may hear “This house is a mess because of you. I do everything possible to clean it up, and before I have finished, you have messed it up again. You are a lazy slob and I don’t want to live with you unless you change. Clean up or clear out!”

“No one listens to me anymore” translated into Martian means “I am afraid I am boring to you. I am afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? I would love it. I’ve had a hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what I have to say.

“Would you listen to me and continue to ask me supportive questions such as: ‘What happened today? What else happened? How did you feel? What did you want? How else do you feel?’ Also support me by saying caring, acknowledging and reassuring statements such as: ‘Tell me more’ or ‘That’s right’ or ‘I know what you mean’ or ‘ I understand.’ Or just listen, and occasionally when I pause make one of these reassuring sounds: ‘oh,’ ‘humph,’ ‘uh-uh,’ and ‘hmmmm.’ (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.)

Without this translation, when a woman says “No one listens to me anymore” he may hear “ I give you my attention but you don’t listen to me. You used to. You have become a very boring person to be with. I want someone exciting and interesting and you are definitely not that person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish, uncaring and bad.”

“Nothing is working” translated into Martian means “Today I am so overwhelmed and I am so grateful that I can share my feelings with you. It helps me so much to feel better. Today it seems like nothing I do works. I know that this is not true, but I sure feel that way when I get so overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do. Would you give me a hug and tell me that I am doing a great job. It would sure feel good.”

Without this translation, when a woman says “Nothing is working” a man may hear “You never do anything right. I can’t trust you. If I hadn’t listened to you I wouldn’t be in this mess. Another man would have fixed things, but you made them worse.”

p.g.70 Why Men Go into Their Caves

Men go into their caves or become quiet for a variety of reasons. 1. He needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution to the problem. 2. He doesn’t have an answer to a question or a problem. Men were never taught to say “Gee, I don’t have an answer. I need to go into my cave and find one.” Other men assume he is doing just that when he becomes quiet. 3. He has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his control again. He doesn’t want to do or say anything he might regret. 4. He needs to find himself. This fourth reason becomes very important when men are in love. At times they begin to lose and forget themselves. They can feel that too much intimacy robs them of their power. They need to regulate how close they get. Whenever they get too close so as to lose themselves, alarm bells go off and they are on their way into the cave. As a result they are rejuvenated and find their loving and powerful self again.

p.g.71 Never go into a man’s cave or you will be burned by the dragon!

Much unnecessary conflict as resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Women just haven’t understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset. When a man withdraws into his cave a woman just doesn’t understand what is happening. She naturally tries to get him to talk. If there is a problem she hopes to nurture him by drawing him out and getting him to talk about it. She asks “Is there something wrong?” He says “No.” But she can feel he is upset. She wonders why he is withholding his feelings. Instead of letting him work it out inside his cave she unknowingly interrupts his internal process. She asks again “I know something is bothering you, what is it?” He says “It’s nothing.” She asks “It’s not thing. Something’s bothering you. What are you feeling?” He says “Look, I’m fine. Now leave me alone!” She says “How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am I supposed to know what you are feeling? You don’t love me. I feel so rejected by you.” At this point he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later. His dragon comes out and burns her.

p.g.75 What To Do When He goes into His Cave.

In my seminars when I explain about caves and dragons, women want to know how they can shorten the time men spend in their caves. At this point I ask the men to answer, and they generally say that the more women try to get them to talk or come out, the longer it takes. Another common comment by men is “it is hard to come out of the cave when I feel my mate disapproves of the time I spend in the cave.” To make a man feel wrong for going into his cave has the effect f pushing him back into the cave even when he wants to come out. When a man goes into his cave he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive. There are basically six ways to support him when he goes into his cave. (Giving him support will also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.)

Chapter 6 Men are like Rubber Bands

p.g.92 Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. Most women are surprised to realize that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.

p.g.94 if I man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close. It is essential for women to understand that is they insist on continuous intimacy or “run after” their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost always be trying to escape and distance himself; he will never get a chance to feel his own passionate longing for love. In my seminars I demonstrate this with a big rubber band. Imagine that you are holding a rubber band. Now begin stretching your rubber band by pulling it to your right. This particular rubber band can stretch twelve inches. When the rubber band is stretched twelve inches there is nowhere left to go but back. But when it returns it has a lot of power and spring. Likewise, when a man has stretched away his full distance, he will return with a lot of power and spring. Once he pulls away to his limit, he begins to go through a transformation. His whole attitude begins to shift. This man who did not seem to care about or be interested in his partner (while he was pulling away) suddenly cannot live without her. He is now feeling again his need for intimacy. His power is back because his desire to love and be loved have been reawakened. This is generally puzzling for a woman because in her experience if she has pulled away, becoming intimate again requires a period of reacquaintance. If she doesn’t understand that men are different in this way, she may have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for intimacy and push him away. Men also need to understand this difference. When a man springs back, before a woman can open up again to him she generally wants and needs time and conversation to reconnect. This transition can be more graceful if a man understands a woman may need more time to regain he same level of intimacy- especially if she felt hurt when he pulled away. Without this understanding of differences, a man may become impatient because he is suddenly available to pick up the intimacy at whatever level of intensity it was when he pulled away and she is not.

p.g.98 Why Men Pull Away When Women Get Close For many women, a man tends to pull away precisely at the time when she wants to talk and be intimate. This occurs for two reasons.

1. A woman will unconsciously sense when a man is pulling away and precisely at those times she will attempt to re-establish their intimate connection and say “Let’s talk.” As he continues to pull away, she mistakenly concludes that he doesn’t care for her. 2. When a woman opens up and shares deeper and more intimate feelings it may actually trigger a man’s need to pull away. A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm bells go off, saying it is time to find balance by pulling away. At the most intimate moments a man may suddenly automatically switch to feeling his need for autonomy and pull away. it is very confusing for a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does often triggers his departure. Generally when a woman starts to talk about things with feeling a man starts to feel this urge to pull away. This is because feelings draw men closer and create intimacy, and when a man gets too close he automatically pulls away. It is not that he doesn’t want to hear her feelings. At another time in his intimacy cycles, when he is needing to get close, the same feelings that could have triggered his departure will draw him closer. It is not what she says that trigger his departure but when she says it.

p.g.107 Chasing Behaviours

1. physical: When he pulls away, she physically follows him. He may walk into another room and she follows. Or as in the example of Lisa and Jim, she does not do the things she wants to do so that she can be with her partner. 2. Emotional: When he pulls away, she emotionally follows him. She wants to help him feel better. She feels sorry for him. She smothers him with attention and praise. Another way she may emotionally stop him from pulling away is to disapprove of his need to be alone. Through disapproving she is also emotionally pulling him back. Another approach is to look longingly or hurt when he pulls away. In this way she pleads for his intimacy and he feels controlled. 3. Mental: She may try to pull him back mentally by asking him guilt-inducing questions such as “How could you treat me this way?” or “What’s wrong with you?” or “Don’ you realize how much it hurts me when you pull away?” Another way she may try to pull him back is to try to please him. She becomes overly accommodating. She tried to be perfect so he would never have any reason to pull away. She gives up her sense of self and tries to become what she thinks he wants. She is afraid to rock the boat for fear that he might pull away, and so she withholds her true feelings and avoids doing anything that may upset him.

The second major way a woman may unknowingly interrupt a man’s intimacy cycle is to punish him for pulling away. The following is a list of the most common ways a woman “punishes a man” and prevents him from coming back and opens up to her:

Punishing Behaviours 1. Physical: When he begins to desire her again she rejects him. She pushes away his physical affection. She may reject him sexually. She doesn’t allow him to touch her or be close. She may hit him or break things in order to show her displeasure. When a man is punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of ever doing it again. This fear may prevent him from pulling away in the future. His natural cycle is then broken. It may also create and anger that blocks him from feeling his desire for intimacy. He may not come back when he has pulled away. 2. Emotional: When he returns. She is unhappy and she blames him. She does not forgive him for neglecting her. There is nothing he can do to please her or make her happy. He feels incapable of fulfilling her and gives up. When he returns, she expresses her disapproval through words, tone of voice, and by looking at her partner in a certain wounded way. 3. Mental: When he returns, she refuses to open up and share her feelings. She becomes cold and resents him for not opening and talking. She stops trusting that he really cares and punishes him by not giving him a chance to listen and be the “good” guy. When he happily returns to her, he is in the doghouse. When a man feels punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of losing her love if he pulls away. He begins to feel unworthy of her love if he pulls away. He may become afraid to reach out for her love again because he feels unworthy; he assumes he will be rejected. This fear of rejection prevents him from coming back from his journey into the cave.

Chapter 7 Women are Like Waves

p.g.124 Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding. Because Harris did not understand Cathy’s wave, he though her reaction was unfair. He thought he had to invalidate her feelings if he wanted to take time to watch TV. He became irritable and thought, I can’t be loving and intimate all the time! Harris felt he had to make her feelings wrong to ain the right to watch TV and live his life and be himself. He argued for his right to watch TV when Cathy just needed to be heard. She argued for the right to be hurt and upset.

p.g.180 101 Ways to Score Points With a Woman

1. Upon returning home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug. 2. Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to do (e.g., “How did your appointment with the doctor go?”) 3. Practice listening and asking questions. 4. Resist the temptations to solve her problems- empathize instead. 5. Give her twenty minutes of unsolicited, quality attention (don’t read the newspaper or be distracted by anything else during this time). 6. Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions. 7. Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do. 8. If she generally makes dinner or if it is her turn she seems tired or really busy, offer to make dinner. 9. Compliment her on how she looks. 10. Validate her feelings when she is upset. 11. Offer to help her when she is tired. 12. Schedule extra time when travelling so that she doesn’t have to rush 13. When you are going to be late, call her and let her know. 14. When she asks for support, say yes or no without making her wrong for asking. 15. Whenever her feelings have been hurt, give her some empathy and tell her “I’m sorry you feel hurt.” Then be silent; let her feel your understanding of her hurt. Don’t offer solutions or explanations why her hurt is not your fault. 16. Whenever you need to pull away, let her know you will be back or that you need some time to think about things. 17. When you’ve cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectful nonblaming way, so she doesn’t imagine the worst. 18. offer to build a fire in wintertime. 19. When she talks to you, put down the magazine or turn off the TV and give her your full attention. 20. IF she usually washes the dishes, occasionally offer to wash the dishes, especially if she is tired that day. 21. Notice when she is upset or tired and ask what she has to do. Then offer to hep by doing a few of her “to do” items. 22. When going out, ask if there is anything she wants you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up. 23. Let her know when you are planning to take a nap or leave. 24. Give her four hugs a day. 25. Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her “I love you.” 26. Tell her “I love you” t least a couple of times every day. 27. Make the bed and clean up the bedroom. 28. If she washes your socks, turn your socks right side out so she doesn’t have to. 29. Notice when the trash is full and offer to empty it. 30. When you are out of town, call to leave a telephone number where you can be reached and to let her know you arrived safely. 31. Wash her car. 32. Wash your car and clean up the interior before date with her. 33. Wash before having sex or put on a cologne if she likes that. 34. Take her side when she is upset with someone. 35. Offer to give her a back or neck or foot massage (or all three) 36. Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate sometimes without being sexual. 37. Be patient when she is sharing. Don’t look at your watch. 38. Don’t flick the remote control to different channels when she is watching TV with you. 39. Display affection in public. 40.When holding hands don’t let your hand go limp. 41. Learn her favourite drinks so you can offer her a choice of the ones that you know she already likes. 42. Suggest different restaurant for going out; don’t put the burden of figuring out where to go on her. 43. Get season tickets for theatre, symphony, opera, ballet, or some other type of performance she likes. 44. Create occasions when you both can dress up. 45. Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit. 46. Pay more attention to her than others in pubic. 47. Make her more important than the children. Let the children see her getting your attentions first and foremost. 48. Buy her little presents- like a small box of chocolates or perfume. 49. Buy her an outfit (take a picture of your partner along with her sizes to the store and let them help you select it) 50. Take pictures of her on special occasions. 51. Take short romantic getaways. 52. Let her see that you carry a picture of her in your wallet and update it fro time to time. 53. When staying in a hotel, have them prepare the room with something special, like a bottle of champagne or sparkling apple juice or flowers. 54. Write a note or make a sign on special occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays. 55. Offer to drive the car on long trips. 56. Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences. After all, she is sitting powerless in the front seat. 57. Notice how she is feeling and comment on it- “you look happy today” or “You look tired”- and then ask a question like “How was your day?” 58. When taking her out, study in advance the directions so that she does not have to feel responsible to navigate. 59. Take her dancing or take dancing lessons together. 60. Surprise her with a love note or poem. 61. Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship. 62. Offer to fix something around the house. Say “What needs to be fixed around here? I have some extra time.” Don’t take on more than you can do. 63. Offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen. 64. Buy some good Super Glue to fix things that are broken. 65. Offer to change light bulbs as soon as they go out. 66. Help with recycling trash. 67. Read out loud or cut out sections of the newspaper that would interest her. 68. write out neatly any phone messages you may take for her. 69. Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry it after taking a shower. 70. Open the door for her. 71. Offer to carry the groceries. 72. Offer to carry heavy boxes for her. 73. On trips, handle the luggage and be responsible for packing it in the car. 74. If she washes the dishes or it is her turn, offer to help scrub pots or other difficult tasks. 75. Make a “to ix” list and leave it in the kitchen. When you have extra time do something on that list for her. Don’t let it get too long. 76. When she prepares a meal, compliment her cooking. 77. When listening to her talk, use eye contact. 78. Touch her with your hand sometimes when you talk to her. 79. Show interest in what she does during the day, in the books she reads and the people she relates to. 80. When listening to her, reassure her that your are interested by making little noises like ah ha, uh-huh, oh, mmhuh, and hmmmm. 81. Ask her how she is feeling. 82. If she has been sick in some way, ask her for an update and ask how she is doing or feeling. 83. If she is tired offer to make her some tea. 84. Get ready to go to sleep together and get in bed at the same time. 85. give her a kiss and say good-bye when you leave. 86. Laugh at her jokes and humour. 87. verbally say thank you when she does things for you. 88. Notice when she gets her hair done and give a reassuring compliment. 89. Create special time to be alone together. 90. Don’t answer the phone at intimate moments or if she is sharing vulnerable feelings. 91. Go bicycling together, even if it’s just a short ride. 92. Organize and prepare a picnic. (remember to bring a picnic cloth) 93. If she handles the laundry, bring the clothes to the cleaners or offer to do the wash. 94. Take her for a walk without the children. 95. Negotiate in a manner that shows her that you want her to get what she wants and you also want what you want. Be caring, but don’t be a martyr. 96. Let her know that you missed her when you went away. 97. Bring home her favourite pie or dessert. 98. If she normally shops for the food, offer to do the food shopping. 99. Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don’t become stuffed and tired later. 100. Ask her to add her thoughts to this list. 101. Leave the bathroom seat down.

p.g.199 How Women Can Score Big with Men

What happens points to give her 1. He makes a mistake and she doesn’t say “I told you so” or offer advice. 2. he disappoints her and she doesn’t punish him. 3. he gets lost while driving and she doesn’t make a big deal out of it. 4. he gets lost and she sees the good in the situation and says “we would never have seen this beautiful sunset if we had taken the most direct route.” 5. he forgets to pick up something and she says “it’s OK. Would you do it next time you are out?” 6. he forgets to pick up something again and she says with trusting patience and persistence “it’s OK. Would you still get it?” 7. when she has hurt him and she understands his hurt, she apologizes and gives him the love he needs. 8. she asks for his support and he says no and she is not hurt by his rejection but trusts that he would if he could. She does not reject him or disapprove of him. 9. another time she asks for his support and he again says no. she does not make him feel wrong but accepts his limitations at that time. 10. she asks for his support without being demanding when he assumes the score is somewhat even. 11. she asks for support without being demanding when she is upset or he knows she has been giving more. 12. when he withdraws she doesn’t make him feel guilty. 13. when he comes back from his cave she welcomes him and doesn’t punish him or reject him. 14. when he apologizes for a mistake and she receives it with loving acceptance and forgiveness. The bigger the mistake he makes, the bigger the points. 15.when he asks her to do something and she says no without giving a list of reasons why she can’t do it. 16. when he asks her to do something and she says yes and stays in a good mood. 17. when he wants to make up after a fight and starts doing little things for her and she starts appreciating him again. 18. she is happy to see him when he gets home. 19. she feel disapproving and instead of expressing it she goes in another room and privately centres herself and then comes back with a more centred and loving heart. 20. on special occasions she overlooks his mistakes tat might normally upset her. 21. she really enjoys having sex with him. 22. he forgets where he put his keys and she doesn’t look at him as though he was irresponsible. 23. she is tactful or graceful in expressing her dislikes or disappointment about a restaurant or movie when on a date 24. she doesn’t give advice when he is driving or parking the car and then appreciated him for getting them there. 25. she asks for his support rather than dwelling on what he has done wrong. 26. she shares her negative feelings in a centred way without blaming, rejecting, or being disapproving of him. 10-20

p.g.211 A love Letter

Dear _________________ date ___________

I am writing this letter to share my feeling with you.

1. For Anger - I don’t like it… - I feel frustrated… - I am angry that… - I feel annoyed… - I want…

2. For Sadness - I feel disappointed … - I am sad that… - I feel hurt … - I wanted… - I want…

3. For fear - I feel worried.. - I am afraid… - I feel scared … - I do not want… - I need… - I want…

4. For regret - I feel embarrassed… - I am sorry… - I feel ashamed… - I didn’t want… - I want…

5. For love - I love… - I want… - I understand… - I forgive… - I appreciate… - I thank you for… - I know…

P.S. The response I would like to hear from you: