SEWED LOGS november 2005 - june 2006

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18.12.2005


<E> life seduced me

<2> one is to play shy <E> be relax <E> I am shy too <2> it's about pretending <E> be onest <2> it doesn't work for me - to be honest <E> you like pretending <2> yes! <E> so who you are now <2> just a pearson who talks <A> I am going to push you a bit now <2> push me! push them!


<E> seduction is a life

<A> SEDUCTION ISN'T NECESSARILY A LIFE <A> IT MIGHT BE ONE SINGLE MOMENT IN A LIFE

<E> are you blond <E> I am staring grey

<2> Really bad experience. <2> Have to pretend for a week that I love her.

<A> BECAUSE LOVE AND SEDUCTION ARE NOT REALLY THE SAME THING

<A> HOW HAVE YOU SEDUCED??? <2> I usually start with personal touch. <E> with charm <A> EXPLAIN CHARM

<E> when you look to the eyes <E> you want more concrete?

yes, please

<A> THEN TAKE YOUR TIME

hopefukky <A> FUKKY?! <A> A FREUDIAN SLIP!

sorry, lly

<A> NO PROBLEM!

<C> what was it that attracted you to him <cat> That he was strong and gave me a feeling, he's stabile <C> did you feel strong in your self? <cat> yes, cliche - boys don't cry <cat> Of course, I never do feel strong <cat> though I know I am <C> There's nothing more powerful than a man who DOES cry? <cat> but knowing and They can cry, after I know, they are capable to control their emotions

<cat> well, other things - he had to be tall <C> and? <cat> have pretty hands <cat> not dark <C> and? <cat> seduction or bed?

<C> what is the differenec?

<C> I've found this strangely exciting.

<A> C I AM INTERESTED IN YOUR EXCITEMENT <cat> so did I but hand are slow <A> !! <cat> hands! <1> fingers <cat> yes, right <3> our mind is always pulling body behind...

<cat> I like to be seduced withou <cat> without having a presure <1> that's my girl



15.01.2006


lies are sweet, everybody lives in them

that could make him tragic

he is not tragic he does fall in love but his love lasts only as much as his passion since ge is guided by his libido

<D> it's not his crredo in this life to feel emotions, he needs goals

<cat> do we all have a bit of don juan in us

<cat> I mean the need for absolute freedom

I did not discover it
yea goddammit
absolute freedom is not don juan for me

<3> me, me, me just me

he is physically self-aware

<5> so he developed himself into universal man

he is slave of his instincts

<3> what is his instinct? <cat> like an addict he is forever searching for the firsthigh <5> but the quatity of possibilities brought him into a mass with no return

he can be hphysically handicapted
fuck it

<3> hmm <3> pitty <5> i don't think, it's just libido...it's a projection

regret is awaste of emotion

<butterfly> i can't stop being butterfly! <2> all red and everybody silent

In molliere, one feels Don Juan is the champion against hypocrasy <3> is aids more dangerous than bird flue?

ooh we're blue again. does this affect anything?

<3> no

only aesthetics
aids is created by men not by birds

<butterfly> but if bird flue epidemic comes then sex will be taboo <butterfly> in a new way

sorry?
is it?
and bird flue '
do we know that for sure?
no

<3> nope <butterfly> well contagion will have to be suppressed and so repression will come in a new way <butterfly> whole institutions will close

I think, he's breaking the law of agreement between 2 people

to me, he's breaking an unspoken law of humanity

the inability to feel anothers pain
trust

<3> to be true? <3> sincere <3> ?

<butterfly> hurting another person

not that women were so innocent ot think, that sleeping with a guy means, he'll stay forever

<butterfly> through ones sex

he never establishes these laws so he does not break them we impose the laws on him
i don't thing that breaing laws is a big issue

<butterfly> no but breaking hearts is

maybe another word for 'laws' is 'values'

<butterfly> and Dj loved to break hymens too

people can break their own hurts and blame others for that

<butterfly> hurts?

hearts not hurts - sorry

<butterfly> don't go breaking my hurt

what is thid difference?

is there such a thing?

fundamental!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a woman and I want to be Don Juan

<butterfly> fundamental? go on.. <butterfly> me too!

why?
women's need for nesting

<3> michel foucault... under the picture of the breaker of the rules of marriage, as the thief of wifes, seducer of virgins, shame of families and insult for men and fathers - appears another person: human character led against his own will by obscure craziness of sex. under image of epicurean is a pervert. he deliberately breaks the law, at the same time driven by kind of fallacy nature far away from any nature... let the questioning was he homosexual, narcissistic or impotent to psychoanalysts.

so fairytales are for girls and latino machos for boys
because i want to love without limits and/or constraint.
i'm a man and as far as i'm concern you can be don juan
freedom?
thankyou

<3> woman don juan exist

yes?

<3> no?

you mean nymphomans?
donna Juanita

<3> no

I fear being burnt at the stake, beeing stoned to death or tarred and feathered. there stories of women 

is this freedom, to sleep wherever with whoever?

no

<3> if you decide yes

to love whomsoever we wish. yes i think this is freedom of a sort

<butterfly> fig leaves..

to sleep with them, not if they snore
this is a story

<butterfly> started the whole thing off no? in xtain societies in europe.. <3> i think 2000 years of catholicism fucked up us a lot <butterfly> yes, fig leaves

to fuck and be fucked and be able to walk away as though one has enjoyed a good meal yes
this is freedom to me
let us not forget cultural differences and the way each culture is expected to behave

<3> good fuck is simply good. if both are satisfied

so there is don juan in all of us afterall
in most cultures our donna juanita would be buried with the harshness of disdain

<butterfly> excuse me..there is a difference between penetrating and being penetrated? <3> marriage for example

wrong to walk away

<3> yes <butterfly> i'm on the good fuck and walking away fantasy

<butterfly> obsessive love/sex is different from the fuck you can walk away from like a good meal no?

<butterfly> so outside of couple <butterfly> so outside of norm <3> the fact is you have to conquer. once you succeed it is over <butterfly> reproeductive norm

Who's to say Don juan was not true in his heart to evry love he won

<butterfly> i know men like this

<3> i think <butterfly> i have loved/fucked them <butterfly> i lived with one for many years

he could hope others might be like him

<butterfly> who loved all his many lovers <butterfly> and was addidcted to more and more of them <butterfly> till one day it all blew up in his face <3> a cock with his chickens

the passage of time plays different tricks on us i mean age brings a new sense of awarness

<butterfly> and one of them slashed the tyres of his car as he was leaving her and another one to return home to me and nearly killed him.. <butterfly> he cried <butterfly> not with shame <butterfly> but with loneliness <butterfly> because the women agreed with each other <butterfly> against him


a borderless capacity to love
a hunger as big as life its sely to enjoy

<butterfly> remeber leaking the neck?

love aor lust
a passion that is addictive

a lust that roars like river making every second charged and full of meaning consumer society conditions us or some of us to always search for new comodities

<butterfly> lust that roars like a river needs time and energy,is exhausting

a self contained inability to 'be' responsible for anothers feelings
a clear sense of direction; desire.
that's why you need a lot of time - so you can rest in between

<butterfly> and we older ones are supposed to cease this link between spirit, flesh and desire <butterfly> i hate this conspiracy against older flesh

remember the 60s or are you all too young  the so called freedom we had did not bring us more happiness

<butterfly> i am certainly not too young to forget this

but you had more sex

<butterfly> DJ wants to possess women like trophies <butterfly> he consumes them <butterfly> and digests them and shits them out

The sex is his taboo. Th e magic gateway to trangress. 

<butterfly> yes

he is after a soul, sex is just tool
Power is in the transgression
power to 'be' god
a soul? mother?

<butterfly> power is a technique (foucault) <3> he wants you admire an accept him with all your soul, yes

He did a brave experiment for us i guess
power to possess
yes, son?
he wants to be adored
does he?

<3> in a movie in a movie women are fighting which one was his REAL and TRUE LOVE !!!

<butterfly> why we want DJ to fuck us and put us top of his list!

he exposes the establishment no?
i believe so

but he's more an actor for small theatre not rock concert <butterfly> how do we stop being his victims in our minds?

maybe you found the God when you dont belive in him
because freedom is dangerous
it brings doubts

<butterfly> thats why its so attractive

the absence of god is also a god <3> god is me? <butterfly> if you say so

humanity created god. What if humanity uncreates their creation and thinks again?

true paradox

<butterfly> the mind... <3> too hard

i am all for it

<butterfly> me too



22.01.2006 (dj is…)


I recall mustaches and eyes

eyes with the sea behind them
black skin
brown eyes
blue eyes
blind eyes
deep eyes
and leaks on the neck
eyes that express desire unashameaby
yes
focused eyesž
mirror eyes
sinking in eyes
eyes that tell you they already knowyou
lost eyes
eyes that want, crave, yearn
eyes zou can drawn in
connected eyes
myth
ideal
communication
addicted to love
shoe string philosophy
addicted to sex
noble hedonist
addicted to gain everything
knicker strong philosphy
string
knicker string
philosphy
another tormented artist at work
the philosphy of the boudoir
wish reader
moralitybuster
hymen buster
hungry
woman lover - or hater?
the clytoris reader
how do you read a clitoris?!
well...
with your tongur
well?
with webster online
with seductive words
do we become cliterate then?
icliterate
acclimatised perhaps?
express yourself dont repress yourself
back to DJ
he is beyond the law no?
mind reader
beyond God
liberator
Dog
beyond dog
his own dog
dogless
doggy style
my dog!!!
great imposer
imposter
does he stay for breakfast?
sinner patriarch
chimpansee
he makes breakfast
and leaves
oh? what does he make?!
emperor of feelings
melted butter, leaves good taste
makes you feel the center
of attention
king of himself
center of your self
master
big hands
very big hands
beautiful feet
big dick
compared to
or maybe small dick
donkey
maybe
the prince on a white horse
donkey dick`? no surely not???
refined musician
the wolf in sheeps clothing
false knight
dose culture overestmiate woman's admiration for size?
night friend
juice companion
comrade of wine glasses
what are his attributes?
physical?
how is the question of size in reality?
kindness kills
important or not?
size is relative to the other size
the size of the receiver
brutal honesty that leaves you bruised
its not some bloody sports event
every man and woman fit together
beaten up by honesty
thats not true
i say what They most want to hear AND mean it
he is good product of christianity
does DJ like his penis?
 I say what they most dread to hear and i mean it
sure
very much
does he oil it and nurture it?
he is  victim of his penis
I attend to my penis
what do women dread to hear?
he demands my attention
do I feed it?
like a horse, with oats
That you love them.but not especially
insatiable oats
insatiable appetite
that you want them. But also them and them and tehm
why do women dread to hear that yiou love them?
they don't want to be our mothers
slave, master, man, woman, etc
that they are not the one and only love
we are going philosophical

when i still can't picture the guy, the DJ
emotionaly underaged
raged
images
ragged images
strange childhood
he is broad

he has charisma

he is short
he is sensual
his breath smells of wine and juices
as if he just left flesh
size doesnt matter
his face has laugh lines
his eyes have sadness
i want to winheart of woman
and run away from her withit
beautiful and cruel
and do what with it?
collector
collector of hearts
his hair is full of sticky unwashed perfume smells
of rare speciments
trainspotter
heart specimums
odours of several conquests piling up like olfactory patinae
smell upon smell upon smell
he dances from the inside
his feet never leave the ground
rebel with a cause
his feet smell of earth and semen
nothing is sacred for him
he stamps on others feelings
i smell horse sweat
he dont think about others feelings
steak tartare and red wine in a restaurnat remember that one..
I smell food
taste wine
i smeall white starched tablecloths
and the faint whiff of roses
ankles crossed
alright food sex death hitchcock
feet on feet.
tarantino
hidden dialogues
a date
under the table
the whiff of the dead bourgeois
hypocrasy is on the menu
the bourgeois is yet to die
his knives are sharp
DJ has to kill this with his own muscles
and ready
fuck the sunday diners

he fucks everything and everybody

would you trade your sanity for a look at a vagina ?

depends on the vagina..

he wasn't only LOOKING at the vagina

addiction to sex is not that bad,,,

america is always pathologising stuff
addiction to sex is fine
america sucks
there there
if your habit is not fucking others around
law and order
are there any women here who would like to be him?
what is wrong with fucking arround?
hestitation

I want to know

fucking others around = hurting them or their feelings (mututal consent exclsuding)

the 'intent' is not to fuck others over
in the future we maybe won't need to be coupled up so much because we will be 
able to have babies without sex

but giving pleasure to as many womwn as possible
women
giving pleasure si so generous
yes hes like that
he convinces himself
is he generous
to give pleasure, receive pleasure. to be in the moment
fucking is not to serve somebidy
yes he idealises himself
his actions
or is he detached

the moment when pleasure is given

is also the moment of power
fucking could be serving
why should penis and heart be connected?
doing ones servise
penis and vegina?
because the blood serves 'one' body
heart and vagine
juices
why i dont know, but i cant argue thet they arrent
the heart is the hallway
the vagina is the front door
but the heart get so full
of sex
provincial metaphysics
meaning?
concentrate!
!!
so....why can't the house be full?
the biggest difference in the world is between being fucked and beeing fucked real good... tennessee williams
the party goes onn
finally!
and on
its exhausting
and on
yawn
he sits back and watches
fuck is good
does it loose meaning in the repetition
i ve been waiting for you to say that for so long
beautiful
...
healty
necessary
heaven
wonderful
pleaqse stay and make breakfsdt

did someone do a pin-up moment?

whats that?

idol
?
guy?
to be desired 
woman?
enlight me
a picture of a guy or woman you pin up on your wall
from a distance
is a pin-up
i would love to enlight
they want you
hidden in the drawer

lightenup

they might be shopping
kevin spacey
jesus..no!
guy working on petrol station

this is pinup moment

in the drawe3r a secret lover
you open the drawer and there they are

it would be great

whenever you want?
yes on tap like wine

sip when you want

perfect

the world is full of djs

A momentary loss of muscular coordination

lets get urban
how did he save your life?

he showed me how to be free

he knew how to wait
in cars
up against a city wall at night
he is only trying to save his own life
electric windows
in the office
in parks
all work and no play makes john a dull boy
quick, zipless fuck
he makes you forget all the firewalls
looking for corners
long zippy fuck
the rules in your head

the zips in your head

in fact he is a victim...
of?
in the lift
fly fucking
shared secrets
system
society
power

power over
on the phone
disturbed father figure
talking dirty
poor guy
ok ok
we are not all don juans actually no we are not
how do you know who your daddy is?
cause your mamma told you so
an unrepeatable thought crossed my mind
seeing your dna
cos he said so
watching your palm lines
upside down on the floor
her panties smell of paperback
mama's?
his of the encylopedia
why is anonimity freedom
no responsibility

no judgement

abstract imagination
no self censureship
so not abstract
no
concrete
gesture without motion
concrete yes
in the eyes
gnerosity
concrete walls

poor sad fuck

concrete eyes
to piss at the icons of the past
and not run away
look at the piss and laugh
women can't aim their piss so maybe that was a man spoeaking

maybe
fucking like Don Juan is a lonely road
revolutionary maybe
very lonely
in and out

revolutionary?

nonconforming
slavery
khm

carnival?

yes
canibal
transgression
upside down fest of fuck

chaos
the opposite of marriage and babies
yes
just fun
man setting himself at gods level
non sensible
existential
the lonely sage of a fallin world

the god of misrule

anarchist?
bacchus
big noise
big nose
apollo
go go go
apollo and bacchus?
the birth of violance
take off
sun and wine
psycho
who gave birth to violence
the creature of the south
frustration
i smell sweat again
repression
thyme on dry hills
feel the chains
sweat is good
exspression
yes, chewing into the flesh
slippery
exsplosion
sweat on the upper lip
submission
the thinking animal
as if ready to pounce
no thinking much
like tiger
grrrr
like animal
grrr
are men 
the horny trickster
I'm a horny woman
so wheres the problem?
horny is cool

horny is hot surely

horny beastly
how does DJ  deal with Donna J?
is there interest?

good friends?

good plotters
maybe
rivalry
equals?
question of power

fucking and equality hmmmm

vanity and love are uncompatible

equals in sex above god

extrusion/intrusion
postive/negative
sun/moon
are we cliche?
can't escape
that
women to women is an escape
or can be..
how?
no penis
is penis such a problem?
why?
no but leads to cliches of dualism
the dick the train the falus
blah blah
one have what one have...
two vaginas flatten the field
one have vagina
a broad field indeed

always tought penis and vagina should be compatible...

they are structurally
speaking
every man and woman fit together
and every woman and every woman
problem is mental than?
and every man and every man

we feel horny for what we desire
what about free will?

problem: are we free when torn by our drive and passion??

we just follow

do we follow our drive like animal?
follow the rabbit
men their dicks
follow that dick
and women?
what are they following?
tumbling down the rabbit hole
SIC
marmalade
hic et nunc
eat me
sic
drink me
Alice
upside down
yes please
i'll give you if you'll be good behaving...
grow bigger
or smaller
aroused by words
words are very sexy
words are cool
words are sexual organs
leading nowhere sometimes
yeh
sceptic
just promising
lies
the word almost became flesh
impossible
pragmatic lies
almost always

play
play with us
plug and play

make new rules

new rules no rules
then go mad

desire
the red list
explain
copular
red shoes
big baby
kid
gloves
hairry nipples
latex
leather
poor lonely boy afflicted by the godess in high heels
museum stuff
angel
gabriel
in a box
underpants white as snow
froma  distance
frozen sex
stink of other women on his breath
grapes in the underwear
nails in the bath
frozen star
vengeance on tap
fat bastard
the clashing silver sound of metal from sword and toothfillings
very wet inner mouth
HIV positive?
that would be cruel
could be interesting
danger

sex death

does he have clean fingernails?

he have clean everything
is he vain?
shares his flannel
vain and in vain
does he wear makeup for men?
affirmative
subtle though?
and perfume for women

ah

which perfume?
boss for woman

ah

subtle
i love a man in makeup
eyes, blacked round

permanent makeup

cigar smoke and patchouli
born with eyes to kill

he makes you see and smell everything you desire

russian roulette
the thrill of sex being linked to death

In every kiss there is abit of rape, Camus, Caligula

oh no kissing and raping are not the same
kissing is to explore
giving and taking
rape is to abuse
crossing the line
rape is hate

kissing can be wild
kiss is love
wild is not hate
same as fucking
passion is not hate
not always
ok i agree
first kiss
second kiss
we are all: passionate and agressive and tender at the same time
earloub sucker
earlope

neck leaker

antelope
khhh
how do you write that
lick, to lick with the tongue
not that
african ellegant animal?
to leak from the penis, or the cup
earlope
precum
yes
deer
deer
dear
kind of
freckled
such wordplay
en-joy
jouir

welcome
are you coming?

prihajam

prihajati
mi prihaja

to come
coming
 i am coming
 but in french it is to en-joy
better

the pen and the penis

enjoy the silence

where we are?

onlooker, witness
pipping tom
.....we took a breath, diversion
flasher
no, something happened betwen people
pipping tom is another wonderful mistake that opens onto new meanings
thank you
others stopped and held their breath
pippinm, apples, fruit, tree of knowledge..
peeping
intimacy touched, 
yeah right wright
language is a virus
night
language is a word

its lonely

jail bird
blue bird
who said night?
blue beard
yes, in a cage made of wood
i did
 who's I
bluebeard is the dark dark murderous side of DJ
where kisses and rape are synonomous

behind lovked doors

 forbidden keys
don't go and unlock that door you pandora you fool!!!
did
idiot!

you see the blood on the carpet
yes, and i folow that blood....
yes do
to get to the source of all crime
wallpaper off the walls
ripped stories
go and see the blood run in the streets
violence

another door

to many doors

blow job upon blow job
when the doors of perception are cleansed...
like too many sorts of bread...

key too big for the lock
hands too hsaking
klobasa
 look through keyhole
klobasa?
klobasa?
sausage
!!
cooking downstairs
stronzzo
also
stronzzo
synomins for penis
i wish to make a distinction between blue beard and don juan

don't leave me at that bdoor!

sister ann sister ann
comin!
gimme mercy
arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
walked away
polygamy
have you found jesus?
no nationalism

dj doesn't kill women

you can fuck having kids too?

yes but someone needs to stay at home at night
and its usually her
the babysitter
money
to watch the cave?
ah the cave
fire
don't follow a man into his cave
cause you go blind

i love my cave

jesus
the mice party
what a solution

cavewoman, thats me

hello cave woman

I'd get bored in the cave

got to get out
i lOVE CAVES
should i stay or ...
stay
caves are cool
cavewoman thats me
stuck
not for me
stay and make breakfast

lets have breakfast outside

its to be alone thats necessary and why should only men get this???
to rub your ass against
rub your ass against breakfast and you get egg on it
what are only men getting?

no contemplation time away from partner
i like eggs
cave time
for breakfast
l;eave me alone time
This is the 21 century

 i take alone time when i need it
so do i
i do too
its my freedom
so?

I take whoever i want into that alone time
then you are not alone
oh yes I am!
so in your fantasy?
in this day and age a human has to have choices
yes
nice paradox
paradox me
being together but alone
yes
letting the other be alone
like: we have no choice than to be existentialist in this day and age?
you love more when youre alone
the other is also alone but together?

fearless digging
under the worms even

Peace on earth, come here i love you, will you die for me?, eat me, the end

we have time


05.02.2006 (the best sex you ever had)


so, what kind of women do you like? <B> considering sex, i mean <B> young? old? <9> age dopesn't matter much for me <9> it is important how she holds my dick <9> or how she look at me <B> That's the most important thing? <B> Can she be ugly as hell if she can hold your dick well? <9> well, yes <9> what is ugly as hell for you? <B> Was the best sex that you have had so far with ugly women? <9> i could say the best sex for sure was not depending from the way she looked

<B> but you know women, you can never be 100% sure. <9> you felt you could do anything to her and she woud accept?

<B> did you lick her?

<B> what? did she smell like flower? <B> what about her pussy? <9> maybe patchouli

9> i am master anyway

<9> pure sex without emotion is like a soup without salt

oh mother

pure emotion without sex is middle age


<C> have you been a mistress? <7> Mistress, yes, I have. I decided, I want to keep relationship <C> did you enjoy the relationship? <7> hidden from social contact. didn't want ot meet his friends and he mine <C> was it the secret that 'turned you on'? <7> It was the point, that we knew exactly, what we are doing together <7> pitty it didn't last, one can not contionue wthout getting emotionally involved. yes, surprozingly, he spoiled it <C> how? <7> by starting to be possesive and curious <7> he imagined, I'm helding some other guys by the side <C> projection eh?

did you?

<7> I wanted freedom, indipendence... <7> young <C> is that what attracted him in the first place do you think? <C> was he young? <7> good looking, not especially clever

does cleverness matter?

<C> sorry to ask this but cock size? <7> young and fresh <7> cock - middle, but sporty <7> never liked big, it hurted <C> did he want youvery very much? <7> yes, I was kind of exotic <7> and didn't ask about meals <C> were you out of his normal reach? <7> no cinema, common friend, plenty of time for sex <C> only behind closed doors? <7> wouldn't believe, I ran into him month ago <C> and? <7> nice, promisseng, I got his phone <C> and? <7> din't call <C> you mean you didn't call? <7> maybe <C> why didn't you call? <7> I woldn't know where to take him <C> so he wasn't a friend as well? <7> no <C> how did you feel about yourself after the relationship finished? <7> but a relief becouse he would finally spoil it all <C> I do you look for another secret partner? <7> it was ridiculous to have a primary school conversations <7> sometimes I think about it <C> for a date? <C> maybe an older more mature man? <7> there are plenty looking for a secret relationship, very direct, sometimes young <C> I'd be so scared to meet anonomous

why?

<7> phychos are in movies

<7> I'm not offering anything, prefer one to one <C> its more to have someone to talk about everything with afterwards

<C> I mean after the meeting If it is just the sex, i think there would also be a lonely feeling <7> you would't be lonely for some hours and day after you have a secret. gives you an extra charisma <7> do you need emotional conection to a sex partner? <C> does it make you feel more powerful? <7> more indipendend

<7> boys don't understand our trough

<7> some tears after it, just girls sentiment <7> thing have to go out



12.02.2006 (what I love is…)


what I love is adrenalin pumping

through veins
I love demanding opponent.
what I love is to take a lover and give her abeautiful afternoon, one she'll never forget, one she'll ache for forever
what i love is chasing animals in the forest
till i catch them
i love when i am irresistible

<7> I love to pley with thougts in blue room

wearing perfect suits, causing attention on places I enter
what I love is to love in the sound of rain. sound of wet grass, birdsong, but we're inside, warm looking out, occassionally
occassionally..?
I love if my opponent, my spectator is clever and likes to play games.
only occassionally looking out!
I love playing chess with my skin

moving into positions of power on the board

strategy
strategy
What I love is holding her/him in my arms and knowing they don't want to be anywhere else
What I love is to be able to run away
what i love is the power of being desired 
whenever ~i want
i love doing things i know it will knock her down (in the bed)
what i love is to be wanted
i love me
what i love is being desired to the point of the lovers obsession
what i love is to possess
when i sleep
What i love is to know that I'm in my lovers thoughts continually
what i love is my own body
and what it does
i love being always one step in front
what i love is to know i possess my lovers mind
the smell of womans neck under the hair
what i love is the smell of sweat
i love me willy
disguised by perfume
what i love is knowing that my own heart will never break
i love me willy
free willy
what i love is that i can go anywhere and I'm always free
what i love is to dive into a woman
i love vine
my beautiful hand

i love my spirit

what i love is to see her helpless
i love when i aint
when i forget
in short
what i love is to know i can get away with everything i do
the psychology of amebas
what i love is to see her at my door, dripping with desire
i love her being at my disposition

what i love is telling her I'm busy

hands on my tits
and sweat
and mangos
what i love is telling her I'm busy, but not really being that busy

i love love love when she gets obsessed with why i am too busy

what i love is making her coffee and making her wait

i likey myself
i like myself very much
me nice
what i love is to see another man want her
me very nice
i am the best
when she doesn't want him
simply the best

what i love is leaving knowing that soon she'll/he'll be aching for me

when i make her doing what i want

girls talking and talking and then suddenly shut up
with that look
yea and like and like
what i love is when she vanishes anmd just becomes flesh
me walking hard on
what i love is me
me
me
me
what I love is life meaning nothing very much and she/he touching my heart..... just a beat..... that feels good. dangerous
In arizona theres a state law prohibiting to walk around with a hard on
did you know?
ha?
what i love is having a hard-on in arizona

what i love is walking into a party knowing there are many lovers all wanting me

what i love is finding ways
americans among us?
to stop becoming bored of fucking

i love to invade her when she already have her man

i love to cheat him

what i love is for her to be thinking of me when she['s with him

what i love is to be unhurtable
what i love is to be in control
to give woman an impression, they can tell me mor than their best girlfriends
what i love is to be invincable
love the flow of all juices

what i love is to bring back the art of love
love the admiration
in the world of the science of love
let it flow let your body flow when the juices flow got nothing to lose

what i love is impossible love made possible
love the feeling i can do whatever I want with her
spare me marquiz!
what i love is that i can help her free herself
and she is willing...
I love warm win

what i love is to show here there are no rules

that there is no god
watching
dogs

what i love is drowning in her smell and walking alone catching the scent after she's gone hmmm

yes all mine
what i love is i never need keep her address
email

what i love is that she loves me not her husband

what i love is that her husband pays the bills
I love being sophisticated
delicate
you bastard
where my eyes look there she jumps, i love that.
what i love is finding places to fuck her without being caught

good cognac
cars in the city at night..
i love to drive her crazy
what i love is watching life
against walls in the city at night

what i love is not fearing death

death turns you on?
yea
i am ordinary guy 
what i love is that she maybe won't wash after i leave
not me!
When you die the pain is over baby
what i love is that sex obliterates everything
her humps her humps her lovely lady lumps
i love she will never forget me even if she will hate me after leaving

what i love is boasting

what i love is feeling from time to time
about how long i kept it up
what i love is remorse from time to time
what i love is to tell other men about my prowess
what i love is guilt from time to time
what i love is my prowess

what i love is pity from time to time

i love she drinks me as a medicine

what i love is saying sorry from time to time
what i love is the spice of guilt, shame,doubt,in the soup of total abandon
what i love is to buy her things

what i love are the secret rendez vous and being just alittle late

what i love is to have my fingers inm her when she drives us in her car

i love when she takes what she wants
what i love is knowing that I'll get bored eventually
what i love is my freedom
what i love is not caring THAT much

what i love is more than one woman in a day

i love being a virus
goodbye farewell
a la prochaine
enlight me
love to infect her with ME
me me me

What i love are having two women fighting over me
what i love is to bury my face in wet earth

rub earth on my skin

i love undressing her skin

what i love is having her in the sea
more more more more

what i love is that i might just might one day fall in love

when people can see us and they don't know
fried eggs

and sailors

what i love is that i might just might one day fall in love
and eat my heart out
i always fall in love
what i love is that i might just might fallin love and....
and want to stay for breakfast

what i love is the horse waiting for me outside that i can
jump on and fly away on
when she becomes mine she is lost
i am terrified of caring
because it might become boring
i love the penetration in all senses
What i love is that I might just might fall in love and stay?
i love going back to the place i came from

go

i love my cave
i love my horse
i love my willy
i love my freedom
i am a wave and he is an elastic band
i love my empty address book

What i love is that i might just might fall in love and be mortal

the wave and the elastic band
i was abandoned by my mama
boo hoo
and now i want her back
what i love is when i feel i could conquer anything
what i love is knowing that wanting to fall in love is bullshit
you gotta face your own childhood boy
that got in my way
i love big tasks
what i love is knowing that I'm all things to all people
what i love is that i am unique
what i love is knowing how easy i am to hate

what i love is to act out love

deep love
What i love is how I soak up hypocrasy
because it turns her passion on
what i love is to look at myself after we have made love
i love to be all what she thinks i am
What i love is how i bare my teeth and know that i'm the only one really telling the truth
what i love is mirros abnove the bed so i can see myself on/in her
my humps my humps my lovely lady lumps
what i love is to see me

what i love is waiting for people to say I was right you’re right

What i love is knowing the poison tastes good

what i love is getting drunk on the poison

what i love is taking your breath away

i like when you melt in my hands

ME?

what i love

what i love is watching you struggle not to look at me
is what i love
staying in bed while she make us coffee in the morning

what i love is being faster and slower than everyone else

early morning cunningilus
waking her up
what i love smiling at you when you are hurting

what i love is saying goodbye

goodbye
goodbye
i like you screaming give me more
(god-be-with-ye)
what i love is to be master
love you saying you are the biggest and the best
what i love is wanting you to phone and then you do
what i love is no being the first to phone
what i love is my remonatic streak
what i love is never needing to phone
romantic streak
because you love it so

what i love is the big ideas in my mind
bigger than bed and juices

what i love is the scale of my intellect

against the puny size of the world
what i love is understanding the structures of the world
what i love is the tingle
she feels when i look at her
when i am thinking about quantum mechanincs

love to be your god

what i love is touching her flesh when i am solving a theorem

what i love is knowing people have to wait for me

what i love is my toolbox that she admires
what i love is that i choose my 'work'
what i love is the mathematics of desire
me+she=me
i love make you believe i am the guy you were looking for all your life

what i love are my tears
because she loves them
what i love is that i have to tear them out of my soul
what i love is that they don't know anything, not really about me
What i love is that I'm a secret

i love you giving me not just your body, what i want is your soul

 What i love is that i am an absolute mystery
i am mobile
la donna e mobile
what i love is that my text messages are ambiguous
I love my selfconfidence
what i love is my talent for spotting prey
in the woods
when my face is in the earth
what i love is that I know how to awaken your desire
what i love is the chase
what i love is that i can go on and on and on
what i love is language
love your weakness
what i love is losing count
what i love are the words I wait to hear your say
What i love is listening
what i love is how fragile everyone is
What i love is my eloquence
what i love is my sensitivity
what i love is that you would die for me
i love digging in you with words
first

what i love is you searching for your words

what i love is that the words are on the tip of my tongue
and that i use these words
What i love is that i can put the words into your mouth
like wine
what i love is that i can predict your thoughts
what i love is how i am faster 
and slower
than anyone else
what i love is that i can taste your tongue
which is how i can predict
i love illussion of words. unbearable being in words
what i love is bending and wisting your words
what i love is to feel you fall in love with me via my mouth

love you drawning in my sight
what i love is watching the hesitancy of your heart
what i  love is how your moth canoot utter
what i love is knowing that we could be together forever
but i will run away tonight forever
what i love is how many books are written about me
ME!
ME!
ME!
i love i am the best

what I love is that i can smash the mirros

i like mirros

what i love is when there is just alittle blood

what i love is when there is just a little pain

i like your suffering confused with pleasure
what i love is when a little blood leaves faint traces
what i love is to twist her nipples enough to make her wince
because she knows then she is MINE
what i love is knowing she/he is ALL mine
i like you wanted to walk arround with me inside you.

what i love is when you cry

a lot
what i love is seeing you haunt those corridors hoping to catch a glimpse of me

what i love is choosing tom walk down another corridor and feeling your disappointment
driving them all mad
i love your nails in my skin
what i love is how elaborate it becomes
what i love is your passion when i DO arrive
how much elaboration
on such simple strategy
what i love si when you can't wait to see me
i like when you cry
what i love is hearing you despearte on the phone
what i love is pretending i care

because what i love
what I love is hearing the phone ring and not bothering to get out of bed because I'm too tired
about me
is that i do actually care
about her.them...
i love when you grabb my willie in the middle of the street

what i love is you risking everything just to kiss me

i love my skills
what i love is literatures
what i love is that I'm more important than your children
reading your body
what i love is that i can make you choose between me and your children
what i love is the risk we'll take

what i love is that I can be as malicious as i dare and that you'll love me more

what i love is that other men areso nice
being with me just once will mark your life forever, love that
what i love is that other men admire me
what i love is that anyhting I say is gospel
what i love is teaching you things
you didn't know
about yourself
your body
nerve endings
i love even men can't resist me
power
What i love is that my power transforms life
i love that other men desire me too

what i love is how precocious i was as a teenager

what i love is how i turned my suffering into my strength
what i love is how i learnt the truth
what i love is that i am beyond the law

what i love is that i am the law

what i love is that you asked me to engrave my name on your skin
love their unprotected throat
what i love is all the tatoos with my name on them

what i love is that i am such fun

to bhe with

me rules

what i love is making you all laugh
what i love is that every love conquered is mine for eternity
he he he he ha ha ha ha
what i love is that you will never forget me
what i love is that I'm lovable
what i love is that i can say what i love
even if what i love is not love
what i love is that I can be ridiculous
what i love is that i am really really living in my body
what i love is to feelo my hand stroking my own belly
and slapping it
me me me
here
i love to show you i am better than your husband
what i love is that it doesn't matter
in the end
because we all gonna die
what i love is men desiring me
despite themselves
what i love is indeed being better than your husband
what i love is seeing your husbands confusion
love walking in the street and men and women turning their hads after me
what i love is breaking your virginity
what i love is bring husband and wife together
what i love is breaking in
love making you addict of me
what i love is breaking both husband and wifes hearts and bring them together to comfort oneanother
opening you up
love you being dependable
marriage guidance counselling
what i love is how i bring broken hearts together
what i love is how i make 'other' people feel honourable
what i love is i cause so many words to be spoken about me
so many women talking to each other
love bringing you to heaven and letting you fall to hell
comparing wounds
what I love is helping you to lick your wounds
what i love is giving you sympathy
what i love is the husband trying to poison me with venom in the lipstick
i love you love me
what i love is how well i listen
to you about him
what i love is me drawing on the mirror with that lipstick
before i fuck you
what i love is leaving you a message
what i love is leaving you a message on your flesh
what i love is leaving you message that i can't make it tonight. sorry
bite
what i love is being too busy to care
what i love is holding more alcohol than you can
what i love is swigging it back in one gulp
whilst you sip
love tatooing your inside with my dick
what i love is you saying no when you mean yes
what i love is being successful, being toasted
what i love is your admiration 
what i love is your commitment for life
what i love is everything before and after fucking being so easy
and the fuck being just a fuck
what i love is you being available and ready on the shelf
what I love ismaking you feel important because it doesn't cost me anything
what i love is eating with you
love you on the kitchen desk
what i love is not feeling hungry

tearing imagine the tatooing i will give you!

love to be the fireman



26.02.2006


are you DJ? <1> i tried to be once

how?

<1> i was fascinated by women <1> i was regarding them and i still do now as godlike, i cant help it

whilst men??

<1> Always run after them <1> or from them

so they motivate you?!
what about men?

<1> inspire

are you attracted to men?

<1> sometimes

in a platonic way?
sexually or like an idol?

<1> i wouldnt make this sort of difference between man and women, i think essencialy we do not differ

Freud aside, do you still want to be with your mother somehow?

<1> sexual attraction towards men hasnt happened to me yet <1> no, i see my mother in all things

ah
and you are open to the possibility of sex with your own gender?

<1> like a female force <1> a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do

you seem to see women as very powerful
do you want to disempower them or stay as with a goddess?

<1> powerfull, tender, fragile, cruel... explain.. <1> Longing makes you idolize the object of desire <1> but the essence of longing is to lose the longing and touch and kiss and fuck

this is very tender and romantic speaking
not a kind of macho DJ speaking
but a vulnerable man speaking

<1> Dj is not a macho

explain this piht of view

<1> a macho is to stupid to know how to satisfy a woman

not necessarily
he is very sensitive connoiser of woman soul
how can you be so shure?

<1> no <1> i dont know the absolute truth

as a woman i say macho sometimes gets to the soul
you have to be smart to satisfy a woman?
this is en epicure of love speaking

<1> you make me put my foot in my mouth

with a good wisdom
that is kind of 18th century in some ways

<1> whats the third millenium then?

<1> i think when dj sees a woman he feels pain, a unsurpresable longing

why is that lust a pain?

<1> Beauty has many faces first on the list od dj is satisfaction of woman, i think. all his pleasure comes out of hers...

this is men talking how women like to hear them talk <1> come again?

he he
how women want him to talk?
i once had lover who was angry that as woman i knew my pleasure more than he did

<1> satisfaction comes from lust which is pain

lust is pain?

<1> nice pain

can't it be a joy? <1> i dont see the difference

it is both at the same time, isn't it?

thepicture of DJ you paint is a man any womean will fall in love with..

<1> isnt that the myth <1> ?

looking for the lost half...

my other half

you don't know the abyss on the other side of dick...

<3> no i am a perfect lover

hello perfect lover!
and very entertaining partner!
I loughed to my tears!
superman?
odd session
very odd
why odd?
but with an interesting atmopshere
absurd!
really?
this are we
I like the confusion of identify
i am perfect lover, too
we are all perfect lovers!

<1> a ship of perfect lovers




05.03.2006


hi, fuck the winter

together?

freezing experience

yea let's fuck the winter

imagine DJ in the snowy curcumstances, they alsway put him on some caribiean sea

my screen is dancing

do we have the author of blue flowers story here?

blue flowers do we have the author of blue flowers present?

have to check

some of the authors want to step out?
and be somebody
i like that fraze some - body
meso - body

meat - buddy

cool
The taste of love is sweet
when hearts like ours meet

Im lost in a valey pf pleasure ...

doesn't work with oaste, sorry

c was trying to insert text
do we have the author of letter to...

Men learn to love the women they desire, whereas women learn to desire the man they love

<8> I wrote a story <8> i cant remember which one

<8> my memory only last 3 seconds <8> i am a human goldfish

tell us about last second

<8> It was ... <8> it was amazing

yes

<8> It was like... <8> Nothing ive ever seen

It was a moment of pure concionsnesssssss

I forgot my avatar
What?
take it with you
Thats nice
so that was it?

How did it feel to f. - being observed>?

<C> great it turns you on somebody present or watching you?

you like to be watched?

<C> at the time it was, I don't think it would turn me on nowdays

no?

you like being master?

<C> i think so

what you like most? <C> it's not about the technique, it's about the feeling

why did it make you feel like DJ?

I mean, it was just once!

<C> cause I did it just to seduce her and have a sex <C> and I did it good, with a style <C> not some kind of mucho bullshit <C> in a classroom, sitting next to her <C> wroting her rhymes in her notebook <C> drawing some pictures for her... <C> big effort for just one sex <C> so, I was nice to her

so you did all what you suppoused she will like?

<C> in a way <C> yes

i also think dj is very different from macho style
he likes women

macho one likes yus

just her pussy
or ass
or legs
or bibbies
sure
the biggest accusation of dj is that he was breaking the rules of sain marriage
saint
you can't fuck if you are not married

if you don't have permission of authorities <C> am i free to go?

sure

<C> by

it looks we'll all go very soon
bye

<C> hey, I just left the stage (C)

to build the snow don juan

<C> fuck, it looks i didn't

i live on the country and the electricity was rock solid

i like rock solid things...
we all do

yes we do

thanks for being






12.03.2006


Anna: I am curious that many of the stories are about straying away from the 'right' path

infidelity of course..
the 'wrong' lover/man
and we all have experience of 
transgression of this kind probably
and I am interested in the struggle that occurrs
when desire and reason fight 
because this is the core of what we have
come to call 'civilisation'
in terms of sexual partnering
ie to control desire
and behave properly
ie monogamously
the figt between the flesh and the spirit is eternal Tolstoy wrote about it all the time
and for women this has always had particular connotations
yes Tolstoy and others
but the woman who strays is whore
down and dirty
but the man is bad and magical
so this too is a recurring interesting
theme we seem to keep coming to
I would like us to explore a story
with these thoughts in mind
not anymore not since women  emancipation
the struggle between
desire and reason
i don't agree!!!!
re the emanicpation
changing this formula much but we
can discuss this later ok?

about the friendship that turnes to desire

hello F <F> hello

Your honour is intact?
despite desire?

<F> yes

are you in a relationship right now?

<F> yes

is thinking infidelity differtent from doing inifdelity?

<F> it hurts fewqer people?

sure
is it uncomplicated how long have you known one another/

<F> 15 years

in this choice
to not fuck (i presume)
you still desire him?
have you been faithful all the 15 years
you are admitting the helplessness that sex brings no?
sorry
syntax went weird
is

<F> The questions was to hold the moral high ground

changed

<F> Iwhilst loved in this way, my marriage, life ,everything was fresh alive <F> I thought I was in control, but I wasn't <F> this is a shock

do you respect each other

<F> this infidelity was like a 'fix'. yes I respect both of these men

<F> it was when he comforted me after my husbands betrayal

<F> he was a 'friend' <F> a real friend <F> i don't what my husband would think about that!

desire was on both sides?

as if there was no word'desire' - invent others!

<F> .the men were busy making'art' <F> i did not compete. <F> But i did listen alot.

so the men knew each other?

<F> very very well

Anna: I want to steer you back

<F> they were best friends

to finding words
for the feelings
not the story of how
bu the how
the how it feels
felt
desire is like hunger
to realise the difference
does i behave like hunger?
ie start small?
become ravenous if not fed??

<F> ok. it hurts. hurts . it aches.

something the head cannot control
where does it hurt?
it permeates the whole body
polymorphously?!

<F> the blood pumps to every cell, nerve

yes
you were longing for his company, waiting for his calls, talking, his presence'

<F> . madness in the head. compusion to phone, to wait on street corners

does desire make us strong or weak?
felt so guilty for excluding everything else

<F> . to look aloof. just a friend. disembling. acting pretending, disguising, protecting yet being driven <F> but when with this person time/place shrinks

is the dissembling itself extra exciting or just shit?

<F> everything is in its rightful place <F> the disembling is shit

is the chaos of desire actually an ordering device for the psyche?

<F> because really you want to scream, shout laugh and say yes yes yes

like molly bloom
are feelings animals?
beasts?

<F> they are precious, jewels

that need taming, feeding, riding,running..

<F> if tendered gently and not abused

molly bloom was honest to express her  pure desire and for this she was condemmed
jewels or animals?

<F> allowed to run wild and next minute still with a cup of tea

very different metaphors
a jewel is worn and is olid 
and solid and precious
and animal has a mind of itsd own
which is it?

<F> animals. yes. something quivers inside when animals are summoned <F> they have voices for what the brain can't say

instincts

<F> voices, cos its a new place, and the animals would need to lead

do you ever wish your jewels or animals would go back in their box or cage and leave you alone?

<F> I'd have to listen to these animals

who's in charge?????
don't like the animal analogy they have no choices we do
but the feelings
are the animals
not us!

<F> no, what is SO awful, is that being morally correct I've killed them

yes yes yes
do we have a duty to honour our desires
like precious jewels

<F> the animals are me. but they are the voices language new

our desires are what we really are

our esence
our desires are what we really are?

<F> this rich place of passion, longing is full of riches

<F> . its such a waste to deny desire

yes yes yes
all this changes in the process of ageing
but sopmetimes impossible to fulfil them no?
yes
ageing i know about..

<F> If this passion, is life. Life is a mystery and desires worthy of homage

so F why didn't you go there then?

<F> because i was dishonest with myself and a coward until it was too late

regrets?

<F> also i enjoyed the power and was lazy in respect of this love

you have to be able to live with yourself, desires are also ephemeral

<F> these desires, thwarted or realised are the deepest and finest teachers of life

i am interested still in whether desires overtake us - take us over completely
like a madness
or whether we choose to follow them
ie do we really have a choice
in the face of our nature??
we have. many times we don't have courage to do it
we are cowards
YES it's what distinguishes us from animals the fact tthat we have a choice
sticking to what is known...
there is maybe a nostalgia for our origins sometimes no?
and "safe"

<F> but the excitement is in the unknown , no?

yes
and in the yielding to the desire beast's force?
how in your story does the

<F> where we meet the shadows, the uncertainties, the hopes, madness , intensity of living

platonic friend
slip into the potential lover?
is it something like focusing a lens

<F> he loved me

?past tense?

<F> and just kept on loving me

though he is married and having 2 kids now?

<F> year after year. wore me down like water on a stone <F> he is married and with 2 kids yes

maybe platonic friendship is the only friendship it asks nothing of each other 
and you?
so sex changes everything

<F> but it wasn't platonic,

??
ah
platonic is when there is no need of sex?

<F> it slipped, it ammended itself. <F> it slipped again <F> it fought itslef

or when we resist to have sex?
platonic is when there is no sex whether or not you want it no?

<F> it resisted..... the dangers to the rest of the world and to the feelings of others were too great

i know this one!

<F> thought you might

!!
i bet we all do
civilisation
eros..

<F> its selfish desires versus responsibility and love for others/ desire is selfish?

yes

<F> but its this selfishness that is more real, more poignant to the core of self than any other experience in life

<F> yes when both feel this, is it wrong then to deny this is a pitty...

lost

<F> this fusion of friendship and desire is a one a lifetime treasure

and that too is beasutiful
beautiful and painful

<F> to love a friend doesn't mean you should not desire him

once the desire is fulfilled what then?

<F> is desire finite?

is desire liberating?
if it takes us to very difficult places
it is engine. the force
in ourselves 

<F> yes, I feel desire or finding the courage to perceive and acknowledge our desires is a revolutionary power and force

where we have to werestle with demons?
F this is utopian!?

<F> I'm fed up of running from demons or thinking they are somehow 'other' than me

but also the sadness
les demons c'est moi
demons are implants we have to take out
its the beast metaphor again
the hell of ourselves to ourselves
because we suffer from our fleshly desires
the xtain church and all religions recognise this
we should fire out all what do not belong to our true us
and try and teach us to shove our desires
back in the cage
ufff
sometimes i long to feel no more desire
life would be simpler
and hurt less
and monochrome..
yes
life is never simple

<F> I've gone

YOU ARE STILL ON MY SCREEN <F> hi <F> i am f

hello
hi, f
F NEVER LEFT MY SCREEN!!

<F> my beast is waiting if you could do whatever you really wanted to do in this relationship , what would you do? <F> i would go with my friend

with eyes wide open? <F> yes

thast you might destryo marriages?

<F> but i would have new one

tell us your philosophy
please tell us more

<F> folowing desire <F> being true to yourself in every moment

<F> if my friend turns out everything i desired from my man, than there can't be any questions, can they?

but that is the trick isn't it

we can get sucked in
by desire
driven by the beast
destryo everything
and then crash with a wake up call
that we MADE A MISTAKE!!!

<F> do you know what kind of beast is your beast?

yes i do

<F> it might be that it is very nice beast, too

yes
all of us tell all of us
yes
my beast is something between feline and dragon
black, bright green eyes
hot as hell
and roars inside me
melts me down like 

<F> my beast is one of nicest beasts i know

nuclear explosion
lucky you!
where is the roar coming from?
from a dark place inisde me
describe the dark place

<F> guts. difficult to locate <F> it is light and powerful yet very gentle

fear of falling means you need soft landings <F> human light

i want to get lost!!!!
where do you find human light?

<F> would inlight any dark

or the hard fall as well

<F> in another human

i want to get lost
ah
in another human
i'm crying.
how can you
my beast wants to get me lost in another human

<F> are we looking for this when we look for a relation with someone?

the shaman journey
is to get lost 
so as to find
i think i want to get lost in this way
but to reassemble a new order
yes yes yes
i have tried this in my life
and?
and it has been very very very
did it wotk
hard
and?
to reassemble the new order
have you given up>
not yet!
bravo!

<F> what new order?

I'm laughing
the shamans return

<F> ?

i'm laughing and crying
inside
what a journey
yes
dis-integration
re-integration
dis-memberment
re-membering
mad love
returing to sanity
Breton's book Mad Love
rediscovey
Dear F
how are you feeling?
maybe to love, to lose a self in another is the scariest but bravest things to do. and then not to 'blame, the other for that journey, but to awaken from the dream, and face alone the 'pieces', and not lose faith in this love, this process of being a human being
and then get up and do it again
and again and again
boom boom
!!

there are cults where passion and the erotic are the forice to worship
find yourself in yourself and not in another
vigourous housework, vigourous cleaning.... penance is a useful tool from the old regime

<F> agree that everything is in youreslf.

vim and vigour
yes
lauging again
yes,but sometimes we are blinded by passion

<F> how we handle ourselves is the question

and passion in the present is not the same as passion in the past
where does 'respect' come into this?

<F> passion is good

respect is vital
respect is the safety valve

where in the body does respect come from?

the mind?
the heart?
the heart?
the hands?
and the heart
the same seat as passion?

i feel we have got on a ship

and wisdom and knowing
that has been sailing since man/woman began
a ship of stories, the same stories in strucutre many times
but diofferent with each telling
the story of desire
and demand
and courage
love and hate
dreams and betrayals
nothing has changed in us only technology

does technology have a place in the body?

sure
yes technology IS in our body

cyborgs

weare cyborgs
this act of writing to you is soooo physical
to me
you are all in my body
at this moment
I agree, otherwise I would not have cries and laughed
technology makes us write to each other but we write about the ageless things
F has gone quiet
yes
is F ok?
things went other way. f.
ok

where is F?

is F speaking?
yes

our whole being potentially comes here
except flesh..
later flesh later
yes except flesh. and flesh later for shure
my flesh is here, with me. breathing feeling sharing this common screen
mine too




19.03.2006


I want to pose a question is it possible to change human nature or do we only change our behaviour but not our fundamental attitudes?

there is a Serbian saying Wolf change hair not a nature

I think we are progressing

still with underware on...

we are still very NICE PEOPLE

when we speak here
!!!!
I mean by this
are we?!
you want our animals?
YES!
dark sides
YES!
BUT THIS WILL COME
sorry I SHOUTED by mistake!

I mean also that DJ is a project of love

about love
but also about all the shit
of love
and desire
aha
and all the contradcitions
and foolishnesds]and violence
and crap
of 'love'
but it is also about why men still have power
more power
than women do
this I really believe
is the truth

If we look at the seducer as an archetype
we come to some of the ways that things have not changed
there are women seudcers and men seducers
what is the difference?

woman is a whore while man is cool guy

and this is such an important idea we embody no?
women-love-bastards
men-can't-love-easily
whole idea woman belongs into kitchen is generating what we have.
the womans reproductive power is terrifying
or women don't walk away from children 
force to reckon with
some women walk away but are hated for this

children are our future?

are they?
yes, but the world is getting older
they inherit our 'causes'
they inherit the 'effects' we leave 
older should mean wiser...
is older not wiser?
or are we always 'choosing' our past?

war between old and young is stupid

yes
as war between man and women is
so is war between the sexes
snap!!
when some animals fuck it is like they are fighting

there is an idea that the older you get the more conservative we become
but i don't know this is true
i know kids of 20 more conservative than me
me too

the only bush i trust is my own!

the horror of certainty

the beauty of doubt
the horror of being 'protected'
the beauty of nurture
against what 'they' define is 'their' greatest fear
the other
the other is alwasy that which makes us fear
caught in webs of the fears of the other
yes
yes
and so we come back to men and women
no?
how here?
who here admist fear of the opposite sex~?!
please say more
admits fear
oooh good question
I am asking who here among us admits ever having fear of the opposite sex?

I don't just mean fear of the dark

no fear, but had always impression she is hiding something...

does that make you feel aleinated?
an ase in the naked sleeve...
???
ace
explain please
ace of cards?
i fear feeling for a man too much
like she is giving everything to me, but i felt there was always something not given...
what might she be holding back?

desire makes us soooo weak

and vulnerable
it could make us sooooo powerful!
but unrequired desire is terrible!!
especially as women
unrequited
fear of being hurt is also powerfull
fear of having desire and it being met with coldness

fear eats the soul

fear makes us behave as if we had no fear
we're back to these  'fears'. what are these fears?
makes us behave like we are in charge
i think DJ is frightened somehow
of women
of love
of attachment

of obligations?
i have loved men like this
yes
yes
of being rejected
the man who chases women
is usually not very happy in himself
somehow
But i know more than one seducer man whoi LOVES himeslf very much

what happens that friendship is usually lost when friends start to have sex?

what????????
the firendshaip gets deeper
no, it doesn't
it does
it doesn't
it does!
if becomes something else, with vulnerabilities brought by juices and flesh intimacy
is it still friendship than?
yes but with pain!

does sex make us different with each other and if so why??

the body talks what the brain can't

they all want him just for themselves

why theirs?????

possession

to possess
yes they all want him for himself. he is much more generous!
and they want to feel special
chosen
this is normal no?
each of don juan's lovers wants to feel the chosen one
this woman does not want to think that the cock that enters her is entering another woman
yes
why we are so bad in sharing?
yuk!
perhaps nature's way of protecting us from disease?
sharing sex is not that hard
if there is no jeallousy there is enough for all...
cos it hurts
sharing love hurts
who here feels jealous?
me
i do
i do, at least i did
struggle with it all the time
sometimes. but fighting with it very well.
raging green eyed monster
shame is associated with jealousy
i could kill with jealousy
and weakness
kill
yes
fantasy kill yes not really maybe
think about killing plan it
ahha!

jealousy is in oposite corelation with self esteem

who used to live with a 'sex addict'
i used to be more angry with him then ther women

for i felt the women to me misled

so often by him
he wouldn't tell them he lived with me
i am sex addict
and he would sometimes fuck them in our ned when i was w]=away
and onec i caught him
\having sex with my freind
this is a nightmare. ultimate betrayals
what did you do?
who said they are sex addict?
don't identitfy yourself but speak to us about this please
what did you do?
when i saw her kneeling at his cock i thought i was having an hallucination
and rtan out thinking i was bad for seeing it!!!
then i realised and i becamse enraged
peeping or just entering the room?
i came home unexpectedly frm work
ver surprising
and?
well it drove me to infide;ity of my own

revenge?
yes sweet
bitter sweet
yes

would the sex addict tell us about this?

is the sex addict there?
when i fuck i am happy
me too
it makes me a day
is this addiction??!
we all are
it makes sense of this life
does it matter who with?
yes
yes but this is different from the sex addict who has to conquer new flesh each time
i would do it EVERY day
me too!

anonymous sex for a woman is not so easy

men are dangerous!
strangers are dangerous
how dangerous?
does alot of the story take palce in ataxi?
men hate women who want sex!
you mean they could hurt you?
yes
men love women who want sex
no, i don't!
no, men can get very aggressive
when they feela woman's freedome
this is subtle stuff to talk about

does part of it take place in a taxi?
yes in taxism cars, everywhere!
do you have a taxi festich?
ha ha ha ha 
i do!
me too
the best
hehehehehehehehe
i prefer aeroplane fetish
ah
trains anyone!?
oooh yes
night trains
mmmmm
 anything to do with travelling
well, now when you mentioned...
why is this i wonder
neither here neither there
ah
in transit
anonymous
free
no ties
no obligation
little baggage
also travelling is like death sort of like you might never get there
limbo
maybe our DJ should enjoy travelling!

yes

perfect for meeting strangers
there is an urban myth: a couple on a train have sex in front of other people
nobody says anything. then they light up cigarettesd and everyone asks them to put their fags out!
or in a full bus
i don't like other people to watch me having sex on a plane
how can people watch you having sex on a plane???
it's the not letting other people see thats the fun
i don't want to be watched in reality only fantasy
same as on the train
it is exciting when you are watched
not for me
yes for me. sometimes
i guess i just couldn't be a porn star
when did man/woman first discvoer the excitement of breaking taboo?
not long after being together was invented
do you think?
figleaves?
once a couple had sex in a swimming pool. we were three of us. they fucging and me swimming, coming to one meter of closeness.
it lasted for 15 min
it was beautiful infact
did they like you watching?
we were all pretending nothing happened. but we were all excited
for sure
liking sex is not the same as using it for achieving power

ever attracted to someone who disgusts you?



26.03.2006


space without time?

mine too

is there anyone out there!!!!!

yes we are all here

frozen again

"mutually vulnerable communities" SPACE in intimacy inside me is space

inside my body there is space
very egoistic

do you mean like the theory of ‘packing’ space, where if you took the space between atoms away the universe would be the size of a bit of sand? could be cosy bit crowded. Sorry because cyberspace is new space for human experience it stretches us across the whole globe creates intimate space in our heads i had wonderful text sex with a friend so where are our bodies for wxample here? is this on the right track? text sex with friend sounds good speak on… to choose a mutually good time to talk is first important though . cos its no good if you are cooking the dinner our bodies are hidden in the text

i am hardly waiting for text sex orgasm
!!
My body is in the text yes
do you touch your body?
yes
so cooking is complicated!
its very good on a train
it is also very difficult to type and have a text sex...
if you meet the friend do you have sex
when I see people give private smiles on trains i think now, I know what youra doing!
you send instruction then wait. like us now

space is an ache
do you want to put flesh in this space?
space is stretched between yearning and having
the text touches the other
does the space serve the erotic sensation?
different contexts serve the excitiement
sure
he in one. her in another
when you have sex you merge two spaces in one no?
yes
yes. train and office
!!
kitchen and beach
church and station
our bodies are made as two spaces that get merged
we are only stretching spaces
and contexts
prosthetically no?
car and bathroom
what does prosthetically mean/
it is the development of technologies that extend the
function of the body
the spaces arrest the time and space
so false legs
glasses
false noses!
everything has to stop
what has to stop
whatever is going on in the spaces between the people. 

yesterday when having sex my partner said: i wish i would fell you inside like now all the time.

it's like elasyic across space

i will give you some space

you are invasding my space
space. I think of death
what the fuck is my space?
in london everyone invades everyones space every day
when i used to say I need some space my partner would go mad
my space is wherever i go
now, i take my space with me
yes space is a concept
my space is moving with me

so we can have sex, and be somewhere else

i can create space
ah!
my prostitute friend would say she put herself on the ceiling
space is created
when she had sex with her clients
distance myself from my flesh
she had to leave her body and give herslef space away from the act
space is desicion
i have done this
imagine someone else into her space instead?
not even
just not be there
the mind is miraculous
walk in the park instead?
sing
cry ( she often cried when her back was turned when they had her from behind)
in sex we anihiliate space
in loving sex there is no space
yes yes yes
in loving sex we are back in the womb
its like breathing
yes yes yes
why she was crying when taken from behind?
because the client would not see this way
how sad for everyone
she could cry only when her back was turned

teenagers with no space to discover sex

have to find space
bus shelters, cars, parks,streeets
so do lovers
eskimos have no private space
for intimacy
where shall we do it?
there is no embarrasment  amongst the families?
whar space will i be?
cubicles for porno
stages for floorshows
rooms for whores
bedrooms for the bourgeois
and trains for the brave!
mutually vulnerable communities...
don juan has no fixed abode does he?
doesn't have a home
no space to call his own
his home is in every body he seduce.
yes
so he invades other peoples spaces
he goes to them
not the other way round
he breaks in!
like a thief
yes. and domesticate them for a while
or break into them
but also he is invited to enter
thats the point. he is invading them with a permission!
yes
encouraging the seduced to want to be seduced
is the technique no?
so he is not a thief? or is he?
he's a thief
why?
stealing choices
because he is not promissing eternal life together?
by making them impossible

no, because he isn't listening

he is speaking so much
i ma sure there is something wrong in perception of time related to him
go on..
what happens with him is so ceiling touching that we want it to last forever... 
so ceiling??
and we are dissapointed instead of being happy we had this kind of fusion...
out of the body experience?
out and with body
the space around a man can be very sedcutive for a woman
the space around him...
the space he insists on having around him
and the space around woman?
tell..
still it is like woman have to wait his moves.
but it can be oposit, too

. I am only interested in taking what i want and giving what i want
i admit fear
to be an active seducer is also to risk
rejection

seduction id dangerous sport

i don't love you because you did this to me
and what you did hurt
but i will love you unconditionally for your vanities, mess, forgetfulness,
flirtatiousness, bad cooking,

bad temper,

but if you hurt me.....
it sounds more like a manifest, but in real life is different...

there are always some conditions... like if you hurt me i will not love you any more...

i think thats where phone texts sex comes into its own
for example
painless?
can blame tunnels!!
sex out-of-context
no washing up
stirring up of desire
no need to clean the toilets
sauce of desire in the making
 untouched mouth watering delights
i had great phone sex, not text phone
many times
yes?
yes

on landlines and mobile!
it tends to be rather quick
VR suits is when you can feel from what you are wearing?
no sex on the phone can take AGES!

you wear suit which is transmitting the touching of your remote partner.

words in your ear....
hmmmmmm
2am is 2pm
lovely
words in your ear so that the space around you stops altogether and you are just an ear listening
a hand holding the phone against the ear
you have to be a believer, too...
a voice vibrating in your ear
believing in what?!
legs stiffening

words you hear...

back straightening
believe all the words you hear?
a crossed line?
pun
crossing a line...
still on a train

under their instruction

they guide us blind
thats why fcooking is impossible!

but what a triumph if we could!

handfree phones?!
one hand in the pasta...

Vr suit

text for me
vr suit, cooking and writing a novel all at once?

touch me baby

is this work sexy?
touch me
not at all
on all my beauty

who said not at all?
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
who's me?

so in the coolness of our spacially dispersed chatroom
we can be philosphers of the boudoir

i think of the waltz

the waltz

i think of all the spiced up dinners the children mught get

wienna waltz?

think of the waltz please

think of the spinning
in the arms of someone you have just met
makes me dizzy
being watched
spinning spinning because i want to get off
pelvises together, breasts apart
and many messages passing between you
time stopping world carries on
spinning bllod pulsing
dance and space is another topic in this topic i am interested in
oh yes
me too
social dancing as a way to get messages across space
pelvis together is more salsa than waltz
where tango went?

no waltz too

tango most important and io want us all to study it

with waltz you need to be close at the botton for the balance to work for the spinning

the flamenco... targeted dance
cha cha silly dance
twist
but good for smiles and eyes
and shout
foxtrot good for sychronicity
acrobatic rock'n'roll
black bottom
what?
its a jive move
ah 
woman slides under mans legs
biting as she goes
he he
ha ha
 soory

the slow is for pre-sex
for whispering
i love to dance the rock and roll with a man who knows how
woman whisperer.

who wants to dance?
oh yes please

you move through me.....

f, don't be wooden

come down to me
left and than right

face me squarely like a man

shit!
did i say something?
F: don't go, 
come back
]i will offer you sort of unconditional love
pleaaaaseee
i wiull show you my 
I'll do my best!
i would like to walk all round you
how can i move you?
yield!!!


09.04.2006


themes the Don Juan Project is touching:

power relations
gender
love
transgression
desire
fantasy
nature
education
pleasure
fun
the indecent
the decent
masks
games
deception
jealousy
rage
liberation
passion
eroticism
confession
language
hypocrasy
tha language of sex
the languages of sex
fear
taboo
freedom
responsibility
the literature of sex
vis a vis
death
life and death
antisocial behaviour
the attraction of opposites
the conflict 
head and heart
heart and head

anatomy of feeling

he ducks and dives

escapes prison
etc etc
goes where he's sent
It seems that DJ is always escaping something
obeys the powers that determine his fate
nearly dies, lots of times
an escapologist in many senses
disobeys the powers that detrmine his fate too
yes
almost seems to obey because
he is free inside himself
and can never be bought
driven by a sense of self, the sexiest aspect of a any human don't you think
that inner sense of freedom
is yes very very attractive
and mnore commonly found in men?
he is freer to travel
 to taste more
dip in here, esape there
i know men who are in love with their ability to be free
but he is rescued by women IN THE PLACES he arrives
so in love with this
sense of his own freedom
these are the men women want to tame!

the man is mobile
go on..

The man moves, but stays constant. The women change faces, charcters, shapes, and cultures
the nunnery is the flipside of the whorehouse
Don Juan is at the centre of a cosmic dance?
an interesting idea this
cosmic or social?
the mobile yet fixed man, man as centre of gravity
big panaramic social dance
is he the sun, apollo?
the sun... in and out of shade?
ha
he's not all knowing is he?
 he is fallable
he wrestles with stuff
he is hugely human

uncomfortably human
in love with life<'
i have this image from the old movies of DJ in the 1940s you know, he is alwasy jumping out of windows and into windows on 
upper floors of houses
never the door
defying gravity
yes
yes
so this fantasy free mobile man
has to come int like an angel
through the window
from the sky
unannounced
a big fucking surprise!
I gues it depends WHICH woman persona I choose to receive him by
a metaphor of taking and possession
yes
but we let him in to our bedrooms
I may prefer to yes
yes
even if our husbands have locked the door
ha
because he is our alterego?

I want to be don Juan
I want to fly
into bedroom windows
I don't want to feel I have to be bad to be don juan
into silk sheets
into suprised bodies
I want to be a really good lover
I do too
the best
I don't want to kill anybody
no no no
I don't want to control any body
i do
I want this person to love me though
that is control
yes
what's love got to do with it
love isn't neediness is it
the whole DJ myth is about pleasure
not emotion
pleasure as a liberational force
in a corrupt and hypocritical christian society
the flesh not being sinful
postmodern don juan

miserable fucjer and lonely

so that we feel pity?
maybe
 does it work?
maternal?

sometimes this works

but many women I know including myself
do not find pathetic and needy men attractive at all

hello i must be going (groucho marx`)

the epic is about shifting locations

moving on moving on moving on
the sun keeps turning

we keep turning!

no mother earth keeps moving
the mobile psyche
is fascinating
the ability to keep on moving]
and adapting to survive
this is the swashbuckiling image of DJ

what does she say to him and what does he say to her

The scene is this:

he has jumped in the window

of living and never knowing that intimacy witth child/blood/ nature
they have fleshed it out
he wants to jump out again
she panics

what is she panicking for~?

what do they each want????
has he just jumped in the window?
yes and they have fucked
and he needs to jump out
did she know him from before?
immaterial i reckon
they have fucked brilliantly thats all that matters here
she wants him to stay?
yes
maybe a cup of tea?
she is panicked at the idea he is going to jump away
!!!ha ha
got really good cookies
i am a really good masseuse
take him to the oven!!!!!!
your back looks sore..
you look soooooo hungry
smell the cookies
and the massage oil

give him a joint

glass of vino
two glasses
open the door
a bottle!
oisters
touch his balls again
let a fresh gentle breeze in
show him your fanny
cchocholates
make it so hard to leave
 sit legs apart on the steps of the doorway
fill his nose with your smell
tell him you know something about him he thinks is a secret
theres the doorway and there's you
shut the window and lock it
put the key in your cunt
tell him you will never never never fall in love withg him
its just the sex you like
tell him you'll love him 'no matter what'

don't need him

touch his balls again
walk away
kiss him behoind the ear
tell him you are fine with whatever he needs to do
ring your other lover in front of him
cook him spaghetti.....
find life funny
do a striptease
find him funny
laugh very loudly at his jokes
listen with your whole life
aghhhhhh
tell him he has the biggest and best body you have ever seen
d.d.t. on him
the fattest hardest cock you've ever seen
tell him you will always be there when he needs
but without any strings
intelligent forhead
or pressure
NO PRESSURE OK?
tell him he's the best
best best best
be everyuthing that you can ingeniously think he'll want and then contradict yourself and be the opposite, cos he'll want that as well
start crying because he is so wonderful he moves your waters
very deep and is your spiritual twin
free like you..
look in his eyes a very very long time till his water
 be every aspect of humanity.....but maybe be careful about wondering into your own sexual desire waters
polish his sword
rub his back
feed him wine from your moth in a kiss
voicing your own desires might just shake the ground
go back to the known.
lick him on the g spot
hug him in a motherly way
tell him he's the best best best
look small and look up at him to make him feel big and strong
sing a song
of love
 dance on the table for him
looking the other way
retouch your nipple blusher
with no knickers on
tell him you got a ticket for the match
haha
suck your fingers
tell him to choose the DVD
lipgloss your moth
turn the lights low
ask him to look for the key in your cunt
watch him whilst he's talking to others.
BUT DON'T DON'T DON'T BEG
dress up and undress as many times as you can
stand over him whilst you do this so he can see
keep the look in your eyes when he joins you in the conversation.
Don Juan: gotta go!!!!!
She: (panicked)
Subtext:
DJ: goot get outta here this is getting dange4rously nice
she: christ don't leave me alone boo hoo hoo
how can you do this to me, make me love you bo hoo hoo
i want your babies!
She says:
GO QUIET AND PLAN REVENGE
fine, here's the key, don't hurt yourself when you land on the horse thats waiting below to take
you away at a gallpo before
my husband comes and finds us
a demain!?????
YOU KNOW WHERE i AM
sorry shouting
I won't wait for your call
Its cool
cool
cool
(yawn)
I'm really busy next week
yeah
lots on
(polishes face with blusher)

(brushes hair)
moisturizers mouth with lipsalve
sits on toilet
(does some push-ups)
tidies the kitchen
puts a few things away
vomits
walks around in a bit of a daze
not recognising herself, quite
smelling him on her still
(did i really do that thing?)
checking for telltale signs
vomits again
checking the calendar
he is meanwhile ten miles away already
his horse steaming
being very very postive
and whinnieying
he is laughing
because he had a wonderful time
pacing the house
and his willy is all spent
looking out of the window
 sort of hoping
and she was good in bed
 feeling empty space inside
very good
and he might check her up next time hes in town
looking at phone for messages
just in case
jumping each time it rigns
in case it might be him
he likes her house

he felt comfortable there

she smelt nice
and was intelligent
which helped

she made me think

poetry so as to seduce her
he quotes shakespeare
she made me feel sexy
anthony and cleopatra
as he left
her eyes
lines about a parting being well-made
and it broke her heart
smiled
. he had no fucking idea!
because the quote said it should be a parting in which when they meet again they will smile or the parting will not have been well-made



22.04.2006


but there is a little violence in every kiss

a little violence in every thrust 

what do we want?

what rests if we throw all away?



27.04.2006


ok girls, what do you /we want to say to this man

like
how to boil and egg without burning the pan
but you have w onderful erection

i love the smell of your armpits
but don't wash your arse
 I hate that

i know that youre afraid

yu fart like a buffalo
if you were to wash your arse I'd suck your cock often

i hate the smell of your deodoratnt
i love your eyes
 
i wonder if you brush your teeth enough
people could very well use the intimates of intimates against you
And u could get hurt
when you speak of litarature

i am amazed at your knowledge

i love love love your mind

I so much want you to wash your arse. I would mean so much to me. i hadn't realised how much

i want to know whats on your mind
when you fuck me
you are a disappointment
I would like to know where the mind is when you fuck?
i mean really

i want to know if you are really capable of the slit between your cock and your mind that you are so proud of

split!!
in this u wont ever get to know me
freudian slit
i mean really know
i want to know if you are ever disgusted by me
are you really interested?
i want to know if you really deep down prefer men
or your mother
do you panic that you won't manage without me?
i love it when women fancy you at parties 
ah
and i know you will come home with me
 he goes
though i am always bloody jealous
what have we said?
and always imagine you already have fucked them
you are like my baby or child

sometimes after making love

you are so so so soft and gentle and vulnerable
i want you to speak to me about every dream you had or have for a start
sometimes your narcissm makes me want to chop your head off
wau
yeah
I want to get my anger out of the way. clear the table. lay a feast wine. bread and start afresh. see you as a stranger
say hell. who are you
i want to meet you and feel NOTHING
i mean hello
i want to fuck you and FELL NOTHING
really?
hell
hell o
 yes hello. 
yes because i want to pay you back for the times
you have treated me like  HOLE
understand

All the times I've paid for what you what your mother did

I AM NOT A HOLE
yes your fucking relationmship to your poor mother
your mother loved you too much
and left me with the impossible task of competing with her perfection

I'm not a rubbish heap.

I refuse to be a hole, i refuse to be a slave, irefuse to be a master
i feel you would like me better if i wore thongs
 I want to be free to love you
to love you past this anger
i think you like porn and this makes me angry and curious
you have sweat on your uppoer lip
this is a sign of agrression/defence
you are an infidel!!!!!!!
your brain is in your dick

i refuse to your god, irefuse to be your altar, i refuse to be your worshipper

get me off this fucking pedestal
i have vertigo and will fall
any minute
See I've fallen
oh thats great
fuck you!!
we broke the fucking pedestal too
its great here on the ground

what`? you don't like me down here???

I like it down here oh yes id 
you cant stop worshipping or admiring my hips and lumps and lips
don't you like me when my juices surge around me
it like an animal instinct
and make me rage, weep, keen, care, suffer, explode, give birth?????
its like youre a drone and im your be, you were made to worship me

DONM'T YOU FEEL ANYTHING BASTARD???

sun of a bitch
hands in my pastry.  mind in my papers and poetry, body carrying the shopping, hugging 
ohh
SUN son aye madam too much i the sun ( shakespeare Hamlet)
exellent!
do you even know the recipe for pastry?!
fuck pastry
what about me?
did you dip your finger in her???
if you did you wouldn't think it importanat enough to remember it
did you ever think of me?
Yes isnt it  so you were made to worship me
oh oh tell me now you can only sleep a night through without waking next to me?! hah so why fuck the other ones - you like insomnia?!
I've decidid to like you now
hello
are you crying?
come alittle nearer
thats your task, you fuck and eat and sleep
are you crying now?
did i hurt your feelings?
thats your purpose in life
you see we're angry

is your bum clean?

ha ha 
did you brush your teeth?
Yes its ok
come here to me
come alittle nearer
come to mummy
everythings fine dont cry

ill make it better

you are a fucking COWARD
don't be frightened
see how powerfull i am
you run away when the shit hits the fan
i could destroy you with one word
we were a bit frightening weren't we
i can make you sleep and hide or cry
or love
but hey that who we are
yet you are so BRILLIANT
I love your brillaince
i like you man
i want your hands on me
i can make you feel the only man on the planet
could you listen and take all this womanhood?
i want you to take me further
i can choose to hurt you
if you want
i an angry
all these slithers and slivers of woman hood
but thats because you fucking hurt me so much
(anna: all voices not onstage are women ok?)
all these shatterd pasrt of womanhood
could you look at all these little pieces
yes you do i have to speak out like in those posters i cry for fire while im being raped
and not be frightened
 you see yourself in all these little smashed pieces?
of course there are woman cromosomes inside me too(XX)?
i wish i felt you loved me for what i really am
i wish

i wish you really loved me

liked me
do i need u to tell me who i am?
do you like me?
bastard
do you feel me?
do you hurt?
you are looking in the mirror with headphones on
what hurts u the most?
i seem to refcall a story about a bluebell wood....
ever thought u can fuck someone with your eyes
what do you see in all these smasked reflections?
why dont u look at me like that
like picasso

do you think that your elusiveness is charming??

 are we just slithers of something that is the same to you?
i know you fancy men too
so nothing is safe
you can call it instinct if you like
I am happy if you love men
 That makes me feel safe
but you cant fool me
you can fool me
you can fool everyone
how do you deal with all these contradictions?
when you said what you said you didn't really mean it right?
 Is that why i drive you mad?
you said it to meake me undress right?
slit slit slit hole hole hole
I say one thing meaning something else. is that what gets to you?
i wish we could really really get close...
and understand
you say we dont have sex enough but according to me we have sex even now
bnut your fuckn ego gets in the fumnk way\
in the fumkin way
does libido run out?
I love it when you make love to me without an erection
will you run out?
because the focus shifts
why dont u defend yourself=?
were right arent we?
you spent a whole year with me without an erection and i protected you by never ever mentioning it
as if it were normal
because you were big strong guy
and i adored you
and you adored me
and you were married and stoned
and had writers block

and so you couldn't get stiff

and it didn't matter
 because i am biz=secxual anyway

bisexual

bilingual
ah that would be nice
it is
like a snake
with forked tongue
your tongue feels stuff in a different way than you hand, right?
anna: thank you
why didnt u SAY ANYTHING D?

<D> i feel ok. admiring the diversity <D> words <D> flows <D> contradictions <D> anger

I want to know how YOU feel D 

<D> ha ha

you feel ha ha?
good answer

go on its about how you relate to the generic man that we have vomited on <D> i think the HOLE is guilty for everything

ah!!!!!!!!

<D> black hole

my oh my 

<D> sucking in everything

go ON!!

<D> controlling <D> inviting <D> proissing <D> seducing

proissing???
with all those men seeking entry, who could blame her

<D> like mummy does <D> promissing

she does that sometimes

<D> they are like spiders. once they got pregnant they could eat him ...

go on D

<D> it is nature <D> normal

go on d

<D> just <D> we have the brain, too

damn

<D> yes, my dick and my mind are BRILLIANT

indeed
I wish mine were
Anna; last session someone said in every kiss there is violence
yes me
love-hate
sex-death
possibly
man-woman
too general but go on
surrender-denial

<D> it is all the same <D> man woman <D> man man

the exact quotation reads rape

<D> woman woman

i don't agree

<D> same patterns <D> same matrix <D> quest for power

I didn't realise how justified D was to fear me. Thankyou D. I had a dagger and wanted to strike.

<D> hit me hit me

why?

<D> no, it didn't

you want me to stab you?
yes

hatrid is at least or also a relationship

hatred is a very strong love-relationship no?

its a relationship

<D> when you accuse me seeing you just a hole <D> for example <D> i understand the anger a hole is also a space! <D> becoming just an object <D> yes

were u ever in such a position?

<D> black hole the mighty one <D> sure <D> i was

just earlier you seemd to agree with the hole stuff as if you wer also angry with women for being the sucking vagina dentata no?

<D> not bad sometimes and horrible many times <D> yes <D> cause women behave <D> as the guardians of the entrance to the hole

ah!
you mean we overestimate the importance of our hole?

<D> and if you'll be good boy, you'll be alowed to ENTER

ah!

<D> if not, nothing <D> punishment that is because inside us is precious no? <D> for one week no access

menstruation? <D> inside is heaven!

ah?

<D> menstruation never bothered me

so what is bad about making heaven special?

<D> nothing <D> wrong is the game of awards...

I am pretty sure I am not familiar with denying access to the hole when desire is on the agenda

timing is an art
its that the hole needs personality
its not desire, its economy of emotions

respect, blah blah

men: have you ever felt like holes?!

<D> ha ha

but if a man seeks entry in u or loves u
its a very feminine feeling i must say

you feel sort of flattered and at the same time u think he just wants to stick it in <D> fearful in what sense?

im thinking

<D> yes, he always wants to stick it in

abuse
is the right word
taking u for advantage
because he build an image out of u he has to posess before he knows it

<D> and you, you never take him for advantage? me?

qui moi?

<D> you women

you men!
i was talking as man about men

<D> all are the same! bollocks!

WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME
look at the statistics

<D> not so very sure...

how many woman rape man

beause we ahve made a world in which our difference is written on every wall,

eye, door, window, road, box
toy, colour scheme, peace treaty

tv show, sex shop, cinema,

cigar, soap, perfume, whisky
underwear
dandy dildo cybersex

<D> if women would be educated as boys i am sure it would be much less women raped, for example

car,war strategy, law
yes sir bring them on
or boys as women!!!
bicyle tyre

cheese twist <D> so when we start to change the world?

we cannot, itsw too late


11.05.2006


you have my kingdom but you can't have my soul

<g> there was a time every second avery beat of breath was consumed filled bloated with jealousy <g> . when fear consumed every living moment of a day

i prefer you dead than in her hands...

if i can't have all of you i do not want any of you

no more ideology!

<A> nothing happened!

<g> thats what people do who really love each other isn't it? they tell each other the truth

i will suck out your beautiful eyes so you won't see any beauty...

<A> i'm telling you the truth

he isnt

<g> you don't ghive a fucking shit about what i feel <g> , infact I'm invisible in this equation <A> Nothing happened!!! <g> the joy is in making me invisible <g> shut out of this intimacy <g> your fucking intimacy <g> that makes nausea flow, <g> left out shut out <g> forgotten <A> o.k. what do you want me to say?

<g> tremours of shock waves <g> can't breath <g> ripping out my own hair <g> because i CAN NOT BELIEVE that you could do what you did <g> this love shredded

<g> this love that made me glow, made me beautiful made me young <g> made me special <g> made me throb with sex appeal <g> which made me attractive to everyone <g> you take that awya <g> i am nothing

<g> prick sliding inside her <g> wanting,her <g> not wanting me <g> wanting lusting sweating narrowing his universe down so that all he could think about was HER

chorus: why can't they see beyond pricks

<g> all he could think about was touching her <g> secret touches <g> secret touches with other people around <g> all the secret touches and looks which made the universe pulse with wanting ther <g> wanting to hold her. aching to fuck her <g> not me

chorus: she would have torn you from me

<g> then the secrets

you fucking fucking fucking shit!!

<g> the phoneca;lls so you could laugh at her jokes

chorus: i'm on her side..

chorus i want to castrate him <g> the phonecalls arranging and looking forward to the next time

chorus: yeah the schmuck

<g> the glances you give me <g> the flowers you bring me <g> the hugs and extra happy smiles you give me <g> you're happy you bastard <g> you're happy because youre fucking her

chorus: maybe his dick is his problem
chorus:We are pretty conservativ

<g> he wants her but he needs me <g> aghhh

chorus how long before you tire of her too
chorus: yeah we are conservative
because we don't like whats happening to g
chorus:maybe zou are just not atractive anymore

<g> i think its time to get revenge don't you?

chorus: go girlfriend

<g> maybe its time to feel reeealy good about myself?

chorus: go girl
absolutely

<g> maybe its time I go and fuck someone just for the sake of it eh?

chorus: what she has you don't?
chorus: revenge is a dish best served cold
fuck for your own pleasure

<g> maybe i'll go out there it doesn't matter that i don't know what it is i want anymore <g> and the horrible horrible horrible feeling that its him I want <g> Struggle eh?

chorus: lets not be californian here

<g> so go back out there

ok lets just say he is a fucking dickhead
for doing what he did
chorus: what was the deal??

<g> the deal was disappointment <g> so indeed what was the deal?

look how ugly the green monster made you
chorus: did you expect fidelity?

<g> exactly <g> yes

chorus: did he make promises?

<g> is that the problem?

chorus: is it?
chorus: drown him in that sea!
cut his willy
cut his ties
close him into a room for days
make him suffer and starve
the problem is you can't see beyond cunts and pricks
make him begg for life
punish him
chorus: buy him a cilinder
the fucking bastard
chorus: what about the bitch?
open your voice
and screaaaam

<g> I decided to keep him. and just get so strong that he couldn't live without me. then I fucked his friend. and that went on for ever. and for years revenge was sweet.

enough with the philosphy already
yeah

chorus: why use sex as a weapon?

why not!

<g> because its sweet and lethal

ah!
eye for eye!
cling to cunts and cocks of despair
sex clouds your mind
toth for toth
sex is a mind fucker
tooth for tooth
chorus: a is so quiet
there are much more hurtfull mechanisms, psychologically i mean

chorus:do you want to tear the flesh off him?

what hurts the most?

chorus: do you want her to feel like shit ?

can you distinguish sex from love for god's sake?

<g> its the passion in the end that dies

if you were french you might shoot them both <g> yes . <g> dip by drop. crime passionnel <g> now have to shut my eyes and imagine another lover if he fucks me

chorus: maybe he doesn't deserve you
is the pride that hurts or heart?
what wrong with pride? pride is important too
it's the fucking big EGo that hurts
what does it taste like

<g> jealousy is a sour taste that turns sweet in the mouth then burns the throat to pieces when you swallow

taste like
taste like
like battery acid?

<g> its acid in the guts

yeah
corrosive

<A> it's also good sex stimulant <g> churns, kills sleep

A has piped up now
A turned on by acid

<g> tell me more

wow

<g> talk <g> tell all

go on!!!

<g> want to know everything <g> want to see all the pictures <A> well, you just fuck better when you're jelouse

A's turn to speak now

chorus: tell her everything

chorus: tell her/us
ah oh ouch
poor poor G

<A> i didn't wnat to fuck with her <A> it just happened

yeah yeah yeah
" she made you"

<A> it was like the first time with you <A> she smells like "new"

 ah the lure of the new

like new cards,

new clothes

new toy

bodies as consumer delights

<A> it was me that i want a change

what so great about new?

<A> fucking same women is so boring after a while

its all humpy pumpy no?
new lips, new smell?

<A> it's like eating same food day after day

chorus: os is it seduction(power) that makes it exciting?

<A> i have to smell different women

i like the same food every day
bread, coffee, wine

<A> i want to touch different skin

why?

<A> every cunt smells different

bollocks
true

<A> and thats what turns me on <A> little diferrences <A> i don't feel bad about it <A> i'm sure it's natural

chorus: where does the mond come into this?
mind?
mons veneris

<A> i'didn't promiss you anything

chorus; don't believe
obviously she didnt get it

<A> i just get so used to you

thats what commitment is about dickhead

<A> well, you were kind of my property <g> ah ha <A> and a man has to defend whats his <g> at what point did i BECOME your property?

<A> well, it doesn't have anything to do with a mind <A> i just want to feel that sensation of different body juices <A> and if they are the same the sensation vanished

chorus: why?!

<A> i don't know why, but i know i need that change <A> and i need it badly

is it lack of imagination on your part?
chorus: why is so wrong if he fucks around?
or a repetition neurosis?
G doesn't like it!!!!

<A> why do i need imagination when i can have a real sensation?!

go on....

<A> it's enough when i touch womens cloth...

<A> smell a new prfume..

hah

<A> perfume...

predator!!!!

<A> and i read women signs much better

like a skunk
sniff sniff sniff

<A> signs of seduction i mean

new smell
new territory
new prey

<A> then i start fantasies

yeah

<A> i can have a week without touching any women...

can there be such deprivation!?

<A> just thinking about what could happen if...

that is great sacrifice

<A> but after a while it has to become true

chorus: what would you do if you were incarcertated in a mans prison?

<A> not necessary with a women that i fantasies about

ok
ACDC no sweat
but what would you do?
chorus: than prison might be fine?

<A> and after a while i have to change that again

chorus: you did not talk about the man smell <A> I would become a writter <A> they don't have to fuck writers don't fuck!!!????

hjeheheheheheheheheheh
no, they are like priests
the pen is mightier than the sword..

<A> they also drink too much to be a good lover <A> fucking same women for a long time is almost that disappointing as mastrubating two days in a row

chorus: some times weeks go by

and you worry about 2 days!
you are so privileged!
can you seperate the libido from the mind
tip of a day: have a nice day: fuck someone!

<A> and i think women knowing that delibarately prolong their relationships with the same man with those "headache" stuff hoping that the men won't get board with them to soon <g> what! <g> sorry

chorus: wow erm hmm thats a theory and a hlf
if a man looks only for sexual excitment he is the fucking bore
he's right!

A do you want to be with G despite your peccadillos?

<g> do you know what. i don't give a shit

chorus: but now everything is ok, no?
make him lunch tomorrow

my eyes are beginning to water folks grandma is going to bed

yeah, even paramour sit on the toilet and fart <g> well actually I 'd sort of like to get to know you but hey mate no way no way are you coming any where near my delicious secret parts again <g> I'll talk. i might even seduce you <g> but never never are you going to get me to 'desire' you again <g> i see a little man <g> I see a little man with all his power gone

<A> hey, i can see you still love me!

da capo al fine

<F> We have just witnessed an extravant account from a crisis known to the species of man as adultery <9> it was not really clear what he did to her

every case the same?
he fucker her friend

men think of sex every how often? minute is it? something was betrayed wasn't it, even if if it was her dreams?

feelings are very very messy business
because something in our flesh makes us want to possess the intimacy as if it were for the first and only time and ours only

<F> we shall point out that when we talk about beings not to refer to all men as sexualy obsessive creatures

exactly
agree
of course
women too
can be like this

only usually not as much

predatory

<F> For we have to consider that there are those amongst us who cherish the hidden fruit with honesty and revery <9> read that women think much more time about sex than men

i think about it occasionally!
desire or sex?
fruit
they know how to keep it in their minds
yes
secret stuff

men are extruded

<F> It is the urge that makes you want to speak the abys

i need to say: there is a new moral code that evolved sometime since the 60s
that makes those of us who are not so 'liberated'
seem like bad
an inverse moral code

<F> It is a notion of those with angelic tendencies amongst us who do not seek perfection in the flesh because it is impossible

hanging in the darness? <F> Hanging in the darkness

there are no angels
only feelings
of how could you?
feeling but are no flesh yet
how could you lick another one?
prefer him/her to me?
ignore me?!!!!!
make me invisible
so i become a hole
an absence
a nothing
a darkness
or just- I thought I own you and now you betrayed my expectations
a vortex
into which i fall into myself
owning no but belonging yes

partnership

pants
Hanging like a bat?
are you vampiric
hanging like a bat upside down and soooo
audio-sensitive
expecting someone to belong to you demands also some agreement
yes?
i said belonging
its different
how?

<9> clinging

this is like crying now
after the storm

hanging like a bloody bat
people don't just fuck, they eat their breakfast together, discuss politics, chat about friends who have been betrayed...
yes
and imagine if and when they might fuck

sonar
was used by the military to detect icebergs
after the sinking of the Titanic

to avoid the ICE

bats avoid things
we have biology in schools

<9> not when they are hanging

people do fuck
i have seen them
get ready to
wow, something new
on busses
in the park
in sauna
they look at each other
as if the whole world didn't exist
yes ,when they just HAVE TO 

<9> they fuck with eyes also <F> yet but its not the goddamn revelation of the universe!!!!!!!!!!!!

because the passion eats them up
but usualy they are 15-20
but its energy
we aren't looki8ng fo revelation F stop being so judgemental
raw wild dynamic energy
mamma anture gives it to them
i have seen older people

<F> it is so overrated and exciting isnt it?

my father and his wife
no not overrated
its so important because it is what makes us survive
no?

<9> yes <F> i just feel it is so overrated

it cuts through our own defences
i think jealousy is a seasonal or variable emotion
 it cuts through the safeety nets
i do not think: i am a jealous person
and there are the others, who at 00.20 still don't fuck!
sometimes i could kill from it, at others i am as emanciapted as F
it cuts through the seasons, the knowns, passiona runs amock. 
and jealously is of that stuff
and will not fuck at 1.00
what time do you fuck then?

<9> you want to say we finish and go to fuck

when I'm free, mostly

as you prefer

Go to bed now 
it is very motivating
its caling
i fucked before the reharsal
bravo~!

<9> chorus: but you have to admit all it is good to fuck. or not?


22.05.2006


THE SEDUCTION DINNER

DJ is wooing
There are starched white tablecloths ( yes!)
And I believe that steak tartare is on the menu.

remember God is in the detail...

scene..
at dinner
good dinner
with raw meat...
chick
we are in a huge dining room with glass chandoliers

where is this [place? i think it is in the middle of the forest, but

very chic
guys with suits and white gloves and long coats open
your car doors
whispering
you know, madma, sir, kind of shit
sor of kubric
sort of
I first show my new shoes, than comes leg
and then all the silk
and than?

MEee long female figure

may I help you madam your lovely dress is caught up a bit may i pull it down/
steps on the pavement
I'm the one, all the eyes
turn to
which is wet with leaves

i like it wet

no, I'm to chic to embarace my entrance

is slip on s leaf

and this guy in the white lgove supports me
All the eyes to me, all the conversation sudenly stops
ahhhhhh
her rythmic movements envelope his eyes
my mascara has run down my face in the rain
he gets up slowly and she feels his hot breath on her neck
shit
my mascara!
Detail: shoes entering terasse
b;lack clickety ones
you have beautiful eyes
thank you
in the rain
in the sun
(licking her mascara)
he says

thank you stars

just eyes
in your eyes
seat and eat

He ofers her a chair!

stars in your eyes
she sits
she looks at him with suspicion
Are we in two movies at the same time?
chair under her butt
her silk dress spreads oacross the leather
  the guy inh the white gloves is pestering her
He pretends nothing happened
madam, can i take your coat etc

"No you can not"

but he continues

with white gloves on
she offers her hand

so..there is this red papered room

and lots of tables and chairs
in a rainy night
discret lightening
soft music
many candles
mascara stuck to her cheeks
everybody almost whispering
in her mind
of a party obscured to its limits
he's wow, well he's..
he's georgeus
mascara really itchy hnow
he wants to know about her as much as possible
"OK, that's him then"
so he asks her

tell me about yourself so I can talk about me

"do you think im beautiful?"

"would you care for some champaine?"
sure
you are so beautiful that hurts
no, not sure, she sais "I'd be delighted"

do you tell every woman the same story/

oh no..
She looks onto a table as a young girl
eyes all watery
from mascare problems
"no no u are special"
she suddenly feel a pang - like
she realises she has falled into some 
paperback romance
let me wipe your mascara he says
He ask. "you look somehow nervous"
"I have chosen this story only for u""
he says: of course not. but he thinks yes, they are all BEATIFUL
she really likes his smell, or maybe its perfume
she realises he uses the same one she does
his smell
is what she likes
they like each other's smell
oh yea
she wishes she were in the story with the steak tartare and the white starched
tablecloths
but has found herself in a satire
O pitiful drama that is life!
he likes her smell
but it could be herbstory
her story
he doesn't realise it is his smell too
because the perfume was a gift
can this magic moment last for ever?

her story, or his story?

or theoir story?
my story
thor, the god of thursdays
why she should trust him?
In my story the was no mascara and no perfume, just the light
there they were......
O shit i want to be honest, why cant we just lustre our lips together and forget the niceties
that seem to get darker and darker
because of my mascara
That's you f. problem, 
 he wants to lick her mascara away
mascara was dripping all over us as black rain
you can stick to your mascara if you think, this is atractive movie
she begins to get excited by the idea of him
i found myself entwined in this scenario
for me the atmosphere is much more important and I'd like to read some conversation
also have black rivulets running
down his cheeks
your eyes are even more beutiful without the mascara he says
she says:
cliches are true
if i could see them
and tells hij he['s enormously handsome
as naked flowers

<D> She says: No, I'm not nervous, just a bit confused,

the waiter comes

interrupts with a grm grm of the throat madam will have? <D> He. Yes, do you mind

LOBSTER!

ahhh!

<D> she looks onto table again, gets agin this girly impression. Silence

no lobster today
shit
she says, like that, no shame
than i will have him on this very table
piss off were having an intimate conversation, cant u see?

<D> she thinks rapidly, but nothing ocures to her <D> He. Well, do you? Mind?

and DJ begins to think of how lovely this cruscanean lover might be

<D> she. No, I'm glad I her. Lets stop this theme, Ok?

and if he should choose the caviar over her
cruchn crucch

. <D> so, champaine? <D> she. why not. Thank you <D> silence.

he would like to tear meat off flesh for fun
and she orders
steak tartare
silencof the lambse

<D> Teh waiter discretly offers her a menu, she doesn't notice him

all she can think of is chopped raw meat

he is obviosuly disgusted by this

he is vegan

<D> He. So, What yould you order?

now he ewants to fuck her
he sees her vain pulsing in the  distant silence 
but she's going to eat dead raw meat

and he's having lentils

"I dont want to order i want to reach u"!!

<D> She loughs to loud as she notice the waiter

he is DJ and he needs to keep his coole 

<D> She: Sorry

<D> starst to read

he suggests, they share
because how can you do this without offering
to share your dinner?

<D> and suddenly feels his shoes touching her shoes under the table, look up at him

Words? flesh?

<D> He behaves neutral, gives a littele smile

<D> She: so, should I order for you3

this is not how she planned this evening

<D> He. I want you to decide everything

full of christian passion

she asks

he says
waitier we will have 2 steak tartares!!
"How was your childhood"
i will eat your meat
Any traumas, veneral diseases?
I have my own
meat

<D> She. Wow, big job.... sorry... ok shrimp salat for both,

followed by steak
tartare!!!!

<D> strawberries whit cream and... another bottle of Moet <D> He: Won't you stay hungry.

i can put in my mouth everything you do,,,

there is something row in the way you trat me shesays I am not a piece of meat <D> she: Dependes on you. Than break and a lough

he says what you eat you are

a vegetable

meat, also

a balanced meal? surely not <D> She: what should I do. eat sugar

is that possible?

<D> He: Nothing, let me lead you- point my eyes.

lick that ear

<D> she knew, she has lost already

leaking the ear
she was not his prey

<D> one look and the felt into a timelessness of his eyes.

what is that she lost?
because she had covnerte dhim
converted him
how could she be after her performance
from vegan
to bloodhound

<D> What colour they were, I don't remember, they just spread

black
blue
green
you remember
brown
with big hands
small hands

<D> they were bigger and the power his look had made her feel dizzy

eyes with the sea behind them
big everything

<D> She noticed, she started to sweatr

the scene is going more melancholy
take me take me
more blue tones in the camerawwork
Jewlery is basic equipment
against flesh

so she takes her arm
her right arm
and lifts it high

<D> if there wasn't a rule - no words- she could have hidden her weakness

her own arm and carresses it
so that the light can catch the diamonds

<D> behind many pointless words

she does not want to be audrey hepburn
like a lonely fire dismembering the diamond
she wants to be herself
but she is confused about that
shine crazy diamond

<D> she thinks: I only have to choices, either to fight or to surrender <D> immediately

she is, he is not an issue

her inner voice compells her
to make a choice

<D> Her hand unwillingly got under the table cloth and searched for his knee

will you win if you surrender?
and now, thankfully we are back in the CU of erotic 
promise
he just wants to creep into me and then fall into the inspiration of a sleepless dream
will you win if you figt?

<D> he smiles a little bit , takes her hand and pushes her away

its very very hard nbot to be a cliche she thinks
down into the abyss of his demands

<D> Takes his other hand and touches her knee

then she thinks
this one is mine though
my moment

<D> She thinks: Should I just stay passive

and he smells her, he fibrilates
thats a great verb
She shudders

<D> what gives him this selfconfiedence

fibrilate
lets see his immagination
quivers

<D> and is not capable to resist <D> She. OK, you lead

its like an archetype he surrenders to
or is it the smell of raw meat on my lips?
thus, reduced to four-footed comparisons

<D> the waiter aproaches, she grabs the forks and tries to start to eat <D> her mouth dry

<D> salat feeling like sand

all this subtext is understood from the eyes

and suddenly they were by the sea
I fall and he stars climbing over me

<D> She thinks: OK, imagine, I was at the seaside

the ooh ahh of the ocean

<D> and suddenly she is being licked

splish splashing
my meat waits attack of your meat
this way and that

<D> they alone om a sandy beach

in the water still

<D> no rummor anymore, no candles <D> just his hot hand on her leg sand there

 everywhere
no more money no fancy dress
nobody to watch

<D> she wishes, hthe hand would move higher, but he does nothing <D> just stares at her <D> I'll faint

its dark
she lingers in his typography
she would like him to write on her a bit

<D> no, I'll jump on him and swallow him, his eyes, his beautifull hands <D> his bones, his cock

she doesn't even know his name for sure
pulsing with energy
she thinks
which is not wise
his cock fibrilating into the darkness
that she should resist
but she knows

<D> seh takes his hand and puches her to her pantys

As a shudder of being caressed
by a strangers hand
she wishes it could be original

<D> a waiter appears, takeing away the plates,,

one of which he has sat on

<D> she almost doesn't notice him, as only a shadow would pass

things suddenly go very slow
they are tired of the dinner
floating like some happy gools
they imagine they have had by the sea
on a beach
in a forest
over their napkins
elswhere
she wishes
ilustres
she knew his name
because when she agreed to have
but hrew it away
dinner with him

was 5 minutes

after she had met him,
But threw it away with a shrug
and two minutes before our story began
she was desperate
Thats how attractive he was
and now how it is?

tongue in cheek

tongue very 
much in cheek
anything happened between them?
sure
one night
her vibrant cherries where still hard
and?
and she felt as a breeze under her feathery skirt
would touch her as he did

she was possessed by DJ her eyes where taken from her

as she saw him walk in

the man she hardly knew but had hear of

she could never believe
that an
incarnation
how hard to was to get to know him
how brilliant he was
would be so humouress
ugly, but brilliant
is she happy with that achievemnent? to met him.
his knob
his third eye
pecker, peter, willy,
his love of cherries
nibbling
his love of cherry picking..
nibbling
like a bird in spring
her lightly
he is..irresistable..
as a symphony string
one of those men who are ugly but irresistable
and mute

they are irresistable because they think wonderfully

intriguing
sabout everything
every detail
of life
they are wide awake
mystetious and sacred
and you feel they would 
be able to survive anything
if they could
and this is very attractive
the most perfect possible?
because it brings out the survivor in the woman
primal 
and vice versa
two surivors

suddenly, in paris... he walks with her and tells her

of napoleon
she is rapt
she bunked off history
and DJ is talking about
knowledge and power and
conquest
and emporors
and short men with ambition
blown away that a premature resentment of the divine could have empowered him so as to prolonge these verses these curious curses

i wish to set the scene..
by the black and lonely syntax

more detail..
colour?

a dash
pink?
magenta?
go on...
it has to be a boudoir colour
like that word
boudoir
bordeaux
a place to sulk and brood in
red
bouder=to sulk
so they walk and she thinks of napoleon
yes he 
like it when josephine didn't wash
him?
herself

ne lavez pas

better that way
the subxte from historians being that her cunt must have staunk
demonstrating the man's sexual prowess
hmm
lemons
boiling with a ghastly dash of entwined public hair

man is very endurable thing

acid
like piss
so he is DJ not napoleaon

napoleon was only a figment of their seduction
she is delighted
though
at ther conversation
shes seen better

she finds words exciting

because she thinks in pictures
she is polimorphously perverse
she is married
dear god
really?

she stopped

he stopped
she wants to understand
men..
married?
there are the trees and the streets and the lights
irrelevant
she wants to understand
get in their heads
he wants...
to understand

he thinks

i want to set the scene
colour?
magenta agreed?
desert?
cherries
dessert
white
amd cream

<D> strawberries

cool
of a bosom that is petrified
deffinitely not sherries
and bottomless
carbone che brucia
into that rigid whiteness

by now she is very very involved..

dips her finger into his soft surroundings
head over fucking heeels
cherries everywhere

we need to set the scene

understand the reasons

for suich behaviour

i need to set the scene..

magenta?
yes

and close ups?

have to be very close
to catch the truth
and ups
behind those brown
blue
green
black
eyes
what is he saying now?
look into his eyes
look into hers
scoop her up
blue green black brown
like your arams are big spoons
this is where he takes her
to this shabby
cliche
of primitivism
and plonks her down
like a shot beast
 me tarzan you jane
she is overcome with lust
hes on top of her and hes heavy
she can't free her arms
but doesn't want to interrupt..
hardly brething
i want to set the scene..
breathing
now everything is magenta
going darker
to violet
a little orangey light in the distance
blazing with
fire
darkness
the end
elbourns down! elbourns down!
is it always the same
each time?
or is each time really different?
ok we have the light in the scene and...

pinkish

we want to speak like people really speak
we want to but we mock instead
because passion
is very hard to take seriously
from the outside
i wonder how people really speak
do they?
really?
some
yes
why?
DJ always likes to use words
because he is very oral
have we forgotten the starched white tablecloth?
since we shifted location several times
without warning

though in the end it was what one might expect

of a love story

it was abstract incest it was a story we couldn't really tell

without smiling
because we like to think we know better?
well...


30.05.2006


well for starters like satre said hell is other people hell is........: repetition of the worst situation of your life

pare exemple
isolation, aloneness
gravity
when times stopes and you have to wait
when loved person is not seeing you

insulted infront of people, you don't respect
hell is the inside of my own head when the demons are here
when sun is too strong
when you feel you don't belong to this world
hell is when someone you love cuts themself and you can't stop the blood
when you reach out and noone is there
discover, that you'll not change the world. Not a millimeter
hell is the middle of the night when there's no conscious being there awake to share your nightmare
hell is the futlility

hell is the thirst of a man at sea
aging
the recognition of nothingness
hell is looking in the mirror in the morning and realising that make-up will not erase it
hell is shen someone you love screams at you
not being capable to live all your lifes, you decided, you want to
a lot of things I read here for me is heaven

hell is when someone you love goes mad

hell is what man can inflict on man
hell is when someone mad wrpas you up in their madness and casts you as the other
hell is being alone in a dark room wishing you were with the others next door who are laughing
hell is sauerkraut
your own voice that like an echo comes back to you
my head that doesn't stop working
hell is insomnia in a heatwave
living with people of low ethics

unfulfilled desires hell is not being able to utter

a word
hell is terrible phisical pain you know you can't make it stop 
hell is loving a person whci can not love

hell is desire that is unepxressed

not having a desire
hell is fear
hell is a phisical pain you know can't make it stop
hell is when i betrail my own ethics
hell is when i have to face that people really do enjoy torturing each other

when a woman can't be stronger than a furious man

hell is when you recognize bad habits of your parents in yourself
when a man is furious
when you see your faults in your child
hell is trying to get my brain around rwanda

auschwitz

guantanemo bay
human insensivity
being old and alone
paranoia, phobia, psychosis
if you walk in the street and you see NOBODY see you
being physically un perfect so nobody want to touch you
hell is being unloveable

hell is hatinfg yourself

hell is hypocracy
war
hell is jealousy
knowing everything but pretending as it wasn't there
hell is not being able to stop what is hurting you
wild nature
frustration that knows no end
hell is too much beauty

hell the memory you can't erase

hell is the parent who never loved you
hell is when you kill your kid inside you
hell is your mother's corpse
your father's corpse
a sense of utter uselesness

hell is guilt
a sense of utter uselesness
hell is bad faith
human ignorance
hell is the merory that you can't erase

hell is military thinking

hell is the dream last night of senseless murder
hell is material greed
hell is oil

hell is how little time we have and how many unfullfilled wishes will stay behind us

hell is the possibility that nuclear tests underground cause tsunami, earthquakes,weather and nothing to be done

hell is bitterness
no bitterness please!
without a sun
hell is the idea that i might die bitter
hell is two thousand years of catholic church

hell is flesh being a problem

hell is i want you

hell is growing old

hell is the death of a loved one who didn't want to die so soon hell is being stuck

stuck
stuck
stuck
the knowing that something is forever and you can not change it
stuck
give him a push!
hell is dreaming of becoming unstuck when you are still stuck

hell is ego hell is egoism

hell is me me me me me me me
love me love me love me love me
hell is hot
notice me notice me notice me
  being forced to betray your friends
hell is a face that cracks into the dark mask
to betry your principles

hell is when you don't care for any body

hell is mental illness

running round in circles hell is no exit

no way out
othjer people

hell is when you don't trust yourself hell is seeing the way out but having no legs and arms to move with

hwen your rights are taken away
hell is here below
the loss of child
when ethics are absent
to be paralysed
loss 
loss

hell is if you don't have body and there is no space but unbearable noise and you can't cover your ears...
hell is a secret you can't share
hell is to met DJ
hell is to fall in love with DJ

hell is delicious

hell is to meet yourself as you are
hell is to burn with desire
melt away like buring fat
hell is the idea that you can go on living
november
despite
february

a black sky in may

absence of love

hell is the thought that it could get worse even
solitude, sometimes
absence of love yes
that is hellish
it can get worse
yes
and probably will
and thats a hellish thought

hell is consciousnees hell to me would be to witness my kind being tortured

and not be able to save her
your kind?
how do people survie this?
hell is other people
tyhe other people who torture
people survive everything
hell is right here

hell is that we survive anything

hell is the will to live
hell is all around us
as if it matters!
oh, matters
hell
shit

shoot me down in flames
like a plane that lost its wing
in a hellish war
war probably
hell is seeing a loved one disintegrate before your eyes

seeing him transforming to a stranger

hell is trying to figure out how long a lifetime should last and to come to terms with a shorter one
hell is a jackboot
a gun
a unifrom
a phone
call

total control
hell is when you want to fuck and it is not possible...
hell is unrequited desire

"they had to call and call and pick the worms off me like sticky pearls"

a symphony of hells
 what would a simp[hony of hells sound liek?
a symphony of hells sounds like

symphony of hells
vey intensive and lod
the screech of children 

high frekvency

the scream of traffic

bursting ear drums

couples fighting

over washing up and infidelity

silence
something really  HEAVY
you fucking bastard
my hell of tenderness is so fucking hurt
my hell of pride stung like a bee hit it with its tail

my hell of anger is ohso bloody loud

 how loud?
simphonic

when you eat your heart out

hell si sometimes very very quiet

and still
and long
though
yes
like sitting in the desert
hell is absence of sounds
aiting for rain
that will never come
were a bunch of slaves
hell would be not being able to end it
hell is opposite of heaven
well yes
precisely

the marriage of heaven and hell (blake)

dialectically yours
some people like to mimic hell
in how they look
hells angels
hehhe
vruoum vruom

The mayas paint frescos with the blood of their slaves

yuk
hells angels like to fuck menstruating women
christians are eating their god!
its a special sign of prowess
blood is ink
flesh is paper
blood is woman (da vinci code)
yeah yeah

write on my body

i am
se me daj se me daj

"give me more" exactly

hit me more hit me more

exactly she she she se me daj

shaved fruit

so women are unshaved fruit?

what are woman then figs mangos

mangas
papaya

kiwi

watermelon
yes yes yes

an orgasm is a watermelon crashing to the ground

aha
aha
aha
aha
not for watermelon
how can we not think in opposites?

him him him

seems to smell of burning skin
her her her
us us us
absolute pain
me me me

breath breath brath
no fucking point

fuck fuck fuck

why why why
have a nice day: fuck someone.
who
who wants to
you choose
fuck someone up
his nose

i am going to give everyone a good time

how?
by
by?
inviting you all to heaven
o blissful salvation!

can I remove this dead animals skin?

sure
take everything off
you mean heaven is...

other people

true is that hell in fact is other people

others can be heaven or hell

or both
explain
if we talk from our selve prospective
ALWAYS others ARE a PROBLEM.

it is like this. dot. com helldotcom

psycho babilon

psychobabble-on

hell is maybe not being able to die when you wnat to
sometimes i have felt this

heaven is when there is no hell

drunk of love for you
 drunk of myself

drunk of you

wanting to burn up in the sunset

i come frokm a family of colonisers on the one side

and victims of fascism on the other

i found going to hell very hard

on the psyche
and need a cup of tea

hell is tiring
yes
but heaven also because it requires such self control
all the sweat and the blood
and all that harp playing

and all those bloody sinners

crying for help
all that lack of repentance
all that goya

I saw myself crucified on a harp
and best food and good looking guys with wings

and devils playing birds from my ass
heaven is not a nightclub

theatre and sex industry are still close cousins
no?
yes?

audiences love to watch beautiful people

tell them stories
with their bodies
aha
and voices
in lovely clothes
yes
,music
senses
true
it is an erotic art no?

and actors love to bbeautifull and have adoring spectators

indeed

if the body doesn't work, we try to appeal clever

do we show our brests just in the movies or we are able to show them in theater, too?

breasts can be shown anywhere

bless u

bless your cotton socks
cotton socks on your feet

look in my eyes
not my breasts
i like eyes
i like breasts
i like breasts
so, no need to act with naked breasts
i likr eyes
thats true

your milk i once drank

as for the rest,
i do not want anything human
and, sculpted,
if you see me with lost eyes in heaven
, its because i am remembering your milk
i once drunk

romantic pathetic for me

not everybody likes poetry

commanders of battalions

and some accountants

do not like milk

sometimes love and passion need imagery

like your milk
my milk?
i like abstraction
which is an erotic image
abstraction is?

black canvasses, doorways pure thought

very

no meat?

deep thought
thought is very sexy

deep thought is good

deep thought is what we have
with a little meat
rothko is sexy for me
that distinguishes us even from dolphins

we do not need figurative images to move us

says the dolphins
we move from inside
now that we have gone beyond quantum
lets evolve
into?

sometimes i wonder if we need to stop trying to represent

ourtselves

as people at all

but i am stuck with this craft

because my medium is the human presence

i am your presence

this is abstract indeed

theatre is physical

what would you say to a tango though that is as wild as wild can be?

this is concrete no?

and everybody thinking of dj would think about tango, too  don't want to say this is bad...
hands don't obey

but..

tango- touch- from tangere
another dance

already

you mean avoid cliche? yes

but the tango i imagine
might not be the tango you imagine
i mirror my surroundings as a fosforescent lake in silence

sometimes a cliche is a JEWEL

agree
sometimes it is shit
agree
we have to smell our way to jewels like
truffle pigs in the dirt

i like oigs

DIRT
pigs
i like pigs too
wigs

i am a pig

dirt prevents alergies

and kissing builds up your mouth with 160.000 bacterias

builds up?!
my mouth is not a muscle!

aha!

celebrating the kiss
of the kisser
kissing is homeopathic
and the kisstress
kisstress lovely

06.06-2006


what she wants is a good fuck

what she wants is pink
to flower for herself

what she wants is my heart what she wants is my heart all wrapped up in pink

i hate pink

what she wants is my brown eyes

what she wants is to own me completely

what she wants is to dance in a pink space all by herself

what does SHE want?
what she likes is my voice
what she wants is for me to be looking at her with eyes all over my body
what does she WANT
she wants my soul
she likes my tender touch
what she wants is for me to take her by surprise by the kitchen door
amnesia
what she wants is the kitchen table
she wants my everything
what she wants is to mother me
to be a site for surprises
glowing
What she wants is a whiskey on the rocks and my heart n her hands
what she wants is to tame my beast
what she wants is to make me feel good
she wants to suck me in her hole
what she wants is to be the one and only
what she wants is to service my god
she wants to suck me in
what she wants is to cook a delicious feast and have evryone worship her for it
she wants my heart and my guts
she wants makes her cool
stick to me and let the abode they call space glide as it does
what she wants is my delicious mind
what she wants is to be the only one

<2> of course

the only one!
what she wants is to obliterate all others
in my mind
she wants me go hunting the goods
thats fascinating
what she wants are no other threats to her supremacy of control
considering the instincts of mating
 what she wants is complete security
she wants my blood
what she wants is to feel small in the largeness of my hands
well you cant just go on living about in the abyss of probability can you?
she wants me seduce her all the time
what she wants is my babies
i wish she would
what she wants is to be the most precious bein in my eyes
what she wants is my penis and my babies
my dnk
what she wants is my penis as her baby
what she wants is my servitude
she wants my thoughts
what she wants is me to want her
wht she wants is for me to be completely and only hers
she likes to be shy
she wants to languish in my arm
s
 what she wants is to be protected and undersood and secure
what she wants is to be understood
what she wants is for me to think about her and only her for every second of my day
what she wants is to be read accurately
what she wants is for me to read her body as a text
sic
what she wants is to be my muse
she wants to not be a little girl, but she is
what she wants is to never grow old
very
very
very
very
very
very
very
digestable

she wants to rule
what she wants is to own every success and happy self realization
what she wants is to own mine too
what she wants
she wants my understanding
what she wants

is to try and know what she wants

what she wants is to not give a shit about what I think about her
she wants to know her own mind
what she wants is to know her own mind
as distinct from his mind
which she also wants
what she wants is to tango really really well

she wants me talk to her

what she wants is other dances than tangoes ( for they might be cliches!)
what she wants is to get more and more beautiful the older she gets
what she wants id for men to say: oh how beautiful you get with age
what she wants is for everyone to know that she IS more and more beautiful the older she gets
what she wants is eternal lubrication
just for fun
what she wants is for people to see her inner beauty. her intelligence shining
right on
what she wants is to die smiling
before it decomposes itself from 
what she wants is to know she gave everythin ib life
what she wants is to ride on a very very big horse without falling off
very fast
her garden of lustrous illusion
in the night
I would invite her to a rollercoster
what she wants is peace
to her destination
and vomit
what she wants is her own fairground
what she wants is to vomit on her destination
her own playground

what she wants is to vomit without my feeling bad about that
what she wants is to be grande damme of all the charades in the world

attention
what she wants is to screw me]

what she wants is to be the hostess of the mostess
what she wants is to be an angel
mrs dalloway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what she wants is to die
in my arms
what she wants is to have every man in her life adore and worship and offer their lives upto her
"it is possible to die"
what she wants is for me to show her that it is possible to die
laughing
what she wants , yes is to die and be missed
with a knife!!
yes yes yes
she wants to speak with her absent father
she wants is to be invisible in emberesing moments
long long ouverture
what she wants is something very contemporary
what she wants is to die and make a BIG HOLE IN THE UNIVERSE WITH HER ABSENCE
someone shouted

big hole in the universe
a tender departure as they say
finger slipped on button
what she wants is many tears at her funeral
she wants to get rid of her virginity
to cry
she doesnt apologize
what she wants os for me to find it impossible to replace her

what she wants is multiple orgasm at my fingertips

she wants to be more selfconfident
what she wants is unconditional - I say uncondtional - love
what she wants is to be at my beck and call at any moment of the day
what she wants is what i want her to want
what she wants is to surrender ALL  responsibilities to me
what she wants is to be self suffiecient
what she wants is to not have to think
she wants to be self sufficient
she wants to be free of me
she wants me out of her
what she wants is to  be free of me
she wants me being her slave
what she wants is to fall in locve with another woman
she wants no prince on no horse
what she wants is a house in the woods
she wants to be known
a princess then
by me

<2> kiss

she wants to calm down
queen
what she wants are celestial powers
was the kiss meant for me?

she wants to be a witch

what she wants is just one kiss, cos thAT ONE KISS WOULD TAKE HER OVER THE EDGE
what she wants is maybe..
oh the edge?

what she wants is tearing her apart

she wants to be rich and famous
what she  want is a great slippering ...
someone is shouting
what she wants is gentle pain enough to make her wake up

she wants to drown in my eyes
she likes wispering
what she wants is to convert me
tame me

what she wants is to inhibit me damn her

shr wants to be rich and cruel
she wants ma babies
what she wants is to keep me locked in
she wants to domesticate me
what she wants is to stop me listening to someone else shouting
what she wants is to drown in my brown eyes
she wants to hold me on a string
she wants me thinking on her all the time
what she wants is for me to stay with HER
she wants my fucking heart
she wants to be my home
she wants to be my hole
what she wants is for me not to even think about another woman
maybe my cave
she wants to be my soul
I would like to have some of her gift of intuition
what she wants is for every woman I ever dream of to always be her
what she wants is everything
what she wants is to be free of all this wanting
what she wnats is to get rid of the horrible taste in her mouth
she gives me more freedom than I need 

to be able to demand 
what she wants is to stop feeling so terrified of betrayal
what she wants is my gametes
 what she wants is to be free but to keep feeling everything
what she wants is to survive
what she wants she gets
what she wants is to get what she wants

I wish I had her moral strenght
what she wants she gts
she wants to meet an alien
whats she wants she has
what she wants is to get even the tiniest bit of what she wants
what she wants she doesn't know
what she wants is to disappear
she wants to disppear
drown in me

what she wants is to be naked and feel so good

sooooooooooooo
what she wants i don't care
what she wants is a perfect body
what she wants I think i might want too
what she wants is perfection
what she wants is intimacy
what she wants is too much
what she wants is intriguing me
but only on the pale surface
what she wants is too much
what she wants is utopia
what she wants exposes her
unpenetrable
what she wants is to eat me
what she want is to be origin of my life
what she wants makes her naked
she is probably
what she wants is my prick
what she wants is visible in the way she dances
what she wants is to have my prick for herself

what she wants is visible in the way she looks at me whilst i'm eating lobster!!!!

what she wants is to be eaten by me
what she wants is to have my cock all the time with her

what she wants is to possess me

what she wants is visible in evry cloud in her eyes

she wants bo be my world

what she wants is clear in her judgements of me
what she wants is poetry at breakfast
and for me to ride a big horse
what she wants is clear in her condemnation fo me
kingdom of pleasures
what she wants os for me to earn bread
what she wnats is strangled by her anger
SADA
In XANADU
what she wants is poisoned by her fear

what she wants is to avoid hell

what she wants is to see she Is in hell
attracted to it none the less
what she wants is to open her eyes
what she wants is hell with me in it

what she wants is to 'give in'.
is for us to drink wine
from her navel
what she wants is to be laid down on the table
drink wine amidst eternity
what she wants is eternal life
the kitchen table ah
what she wants is for us to feast on her
ah
ah
ah
oh
oh
what she wants is to provide for all
For us as many
save us
what she wants is to be remembered for all those meals
what she wants is new kitchen
she cooked
and served
what she wants is to nourish from every pore of her body
what she wants is to dance on her new kitchen stove
she wants to get back to sleep
she wants to seduce DJ
and forget all about IKEA
 what she wants is to ave lifes juices oozing from every pore
what she wants is to disappear
she wants me prepare coffee in the morning
what she wants is to be licked to sleep

what she wants is for me to stay
inside
what she wants
what she wants is to keep her eyes closed whilst I stay and stroke her hair
forever
and ever
and ever 
and ever
what she wants is deep deep sleep
..that i confess to her
and every endevour
What she wants is to feel.... safe
what she wants is beefstake tartar
what she wants is the bloody bloody truth
on the plate
with a raw egg on it
what she wants is to wake up a dragon
you cant handle the truth
she wants my heart on a plate
what she wants is to wake up with razor sharp teeth
and just eat everybody
oh
oh
oh
vomit
what she wants is to rip the meat to pieces

she wants to brake my balls

hat she wants is to make a slave of me

a strong heart andviolently beautiful imges
what she wants is to not feel sick
she wants to break me
what she wants

 whats she wants is to have the calm after the vomit
what she wants is for me to love her even when she smell of vomit
she wats a silent moment
bacchaen madness
she want my dck
what she wants are her kids to be happy without her
what she wants are her daughters to sing loudly
she wants dionysius

she wants her daughters not to be like her

what she wants are maybe not what she thought she wanted

that i coming from the sky
what she wants is someone human
what she wants os for me to spot her across a crowded room
and know that i want her
what she wants is someone she recognises
what she wants is her father
what she wants is that smile
to hold her
she wants is something simple
what she wants is a dog
like he never did

what she wants is a dog who doesn't talk
what she wants is a dog
what she wants is a dog that she can leave behind when she goes off travelling


What you can have is.....

What you can have is a fuck on the kitchen twble
what you can have is my credit card

<2> thank you

what you can have is the fuck by surpirse by the kitchen door

<2> the c.c. owner

what you can have is my big horse
my weekly cleaning of the house
what you can have are my listening ears
what you can have is my tolerance at your vomiting

what you can have is my patience <2> sure?

my support
what you can have is my big hands
hugs
what  you can have is my sense of humour
my beauty
what you can have is me thinking about you.... quite alot in one day
what you can have - no borrow - is my prick

<2> keep it

what you can have is me struggling to be a better human being because I want you to like me 
what you can have is my babies
what you can have is my washing, never been into cleaning clothes
my trying to understand you
what you can have is the joy of preparing feasts for me and our friends
what you can have is my time and courage
what you can have is my cooking
what you can have is what I can have
what you can have is me doing the washing up
what u can have is my brown eyes to look at and imagine yourself drowing in
what you cam have is my militarism and patriotism
my stuborness
what you can have is the illusion that you are the only woman i ever look at or lust after
what you can have is the confidence of knowing that I 'want you' alot  at different times duing the day
what you can have is my support
what you can have is my horse
what you can have is my friendship
and mt credit card
what you can have is my forgetfulness
what you can have is my mess
what you can have are my apologies and mistakes
what you can have is me being me
what you can have is one night
what you can have are the tears
what you can have is missing me
what you can have are multiple orgasms
you can have my babies
unsatiably
what you can have is my propeller diabolic unknown
you can have everything from me
what you can have are my arms around you
you can have my arms around you
hands on you
what you can have is me watching you
over lobster
you can have me eat lobster in imitsation of what i might do to you
what you can have is me being too absorbed in stuff to notice anything elase
what you can have is me eating you
what you can have is my dog
my horse
me for dinner
you can have ny appetite
what you can have is my absolute speed
my mussles


so we now speak the lines to "HER (2) what you can't have...

what you can't have is

to enter into my cave

what you can't have is my soul

you can have  acces to my mind
what you can have is my revolt, my energy my lap
my freedome
what you can't have is my body
my solitude
what you can't  have is my mind
the unspeakable you know u cant have
very little things you cannot have from me
what you can have is my essence, its mine
you can't have my heart - my wife has that

I mean't can't

you can't have that
 what you can't have is my feminism
what you can't heve is my penis
the man is telling the woman what she can't have ok
what you can't have is my penis

what you can's have is my erection

what you can't have is the masterpiece i make
you can't have my thoughts
what you can't have is my constant desire
you can't have my ejaculation
my secrets
you can't have my visits to the prostitute
what you can't have are my dreams
what you can't have are casting rights over who I dream about
you can't have my fantasies
you can't heave is my gun, my motor, my car
my world
my arse
my absolute
my gadgets
what yyyou can`t have is my black skin
my hair
my independence
my past
you really cannot have my past
my devils
my dreams
nihgtmares
my lostness
my sleepless night
my solitude
my horse
what you cannot have is my freedom of desire. this is who I am
what you can't have is nozhing compared with what you can have
what you can't have are my habits
What you cannot have is my pain

what you cannot have is my intellect

what do you want when you go elsewhere for pleasure?
What do I want with home?
i want to drown
i want
With home I have responsibilities that stflle my muse
to get away from her asking me what i fucking want
need of recognizing my value as a man
to find somebody feeling me attractive

N wants only to know what we want us men when we go to her

to understand my needs
without talking too much
want you to be uncomplicated
want you to make me feel good about myself
simple
want you to desire me
i want you not to aks anything from me
i want you not to want
i want you to be a hole
want  to feel good with you in the moment and then be ble to walk away... stil feeling good
want to be with you and never feel guilty
want you not judging me
want to be with you and not be responsible for your feelings
want to be with just stroking me in the right places
i just want to fuck
pluck the rose and throw it away
want to fuck you as many times a swant without being worried about wether you want to or not
Natasha: so that you can go home and not feel
that anything has been asked of you?
yes
only money (natasha)? for freedome?
hehe
whose freedom - your freedom as men
it is not real freedome
it is just surogat
yes it is of sorts
just empying the balls
Natasha: i like this
it is a freedome its not right on but it is freedom
Nat: its honest
yes
it is a choice
escape door
Nat; what about the guilt you may feel when you leave and its all over?
emergency exit
I want to fuck and walk away knowing I can come back when i want to
what guilt?
I pay not to feel guilt
Nat; (LAUGHS VERY LOUD)
guilt is a bonus for the few

Nat: absoltuely exaclty

it is ciompletely and honest ransaction
there is guilt
we must build a kind anarhisem

it becomes a secret

I pay for the secret
and brings distance
it geives me power
if u are in a relationship
it gives me protection 
something like a wall of silence
Nat:i like this
Nat: I have been silent for 17 years
if I know i can get it when someone chooses not to give it to me 
and have kept a secret of thousands of men
i have held them close to my heart
only within my mibnd
and played a masquerade
and an act of sorts
which finally
you had thousand of men?
has taken me to
thousands, literally..
ah
what has it taken you to?
I am thinking and feeling
I need time...
to be truthful
I have become the Other
for thousands of others

"i would like to weep but dont the time"

I have to become other for myself
but it is extremely hard
to become other you?
when you have put on so many masks
for those who are
lonely
grief stricken
in marital breakdown
lost
frustrated
and perverted
 and driven
and the mask changes
from one hour to another
to be what they want you to become
you have to be
immediately responsive
to EXACTLY what their fantasy is
and it might be
to be loved unconditionally
......
so i could lay there
and hold them
in my arms
for an hour
....

you are dealing with peopl's raw emotions

souls
( I know you do this in theater too)
secrets
and vilified for it
that fill you up
I am so full up
but sometimes Ifeel
that ~i might burst
carrying around thousands of mens secrets
as if tiny molecules
are exploding inside of my heart
what do you wanr to do with this huge cargo you carry?
but I have no where to put it nopw

if I thought that every relationship breaks down
then i would have t
to give up
on the possibility
of a deep loving and creative relationship
whereby 2 people
try not to damage each other too much
because they know something
deep inside each other
so they are careful
thank you for the hugs
thank u i agree

iam a nympholeptic

 you cannot read nymphs??
to feel pleasure in something unreachable
extazy

yes its like

reaching into the core

of something that feels unobtainable
by someone beautiful

u cant really touch him

as u would like to move him
Nat: i'll know when is see his eyes

you feel it in your belly

and its unspeakable

Nat; yes i freeze

same time
thats why in The Room ( where I worked sex)
 erm, it was easier

In the Room it was easier
as i felt no desire..

I was dead in a way

but very alive in acting sense

Nat: i was really honest in my acting yes

I would like to 'be' a man and come to see you ad ske you questions
I would like you to work on our fantasy of what men fantasise about!

Nat: that would fill cyberspace!!
but yes
hehe
i hope it won't be too shocking for you
cberspace is huge
(laughter)
and quite limited

and toast to each other eyes, brown, blue, green, grey, black


15.06. 2006

she is....

conforting

she is much maligned
she is taboo shredded
she is everything what can we imaGINE
she is godess
she is perfume
She is the plug let out of my bath water
she is like  warm blanket
she is relief
she is erection
mother and sister and wife and friend
she is like a mirror that cannot feel itself

she is mother daughter, sister, whore
she is social worker
she is wet hot towel in my aching back
she is imagination
she is sincere
she is a wip on my ass
she is always there for me
she is illiterate on purpose
she has words in her hands
she is compassion on tap

she is manliterate

she s manlitersate

she is hope 
she has every cliche in her wardrobe

she can be a bitch
bad mama
she is selling tickets
she will be a bitch when i like this

bad girl

she knows my dck

she is liar
she is just a human being
she is bloody good liar
she knows all dicks

she gets under skin
she is a bargain!

she reads the soul
she is tired
she is on ther ceiling

don juan
she is doing what wifes are not

she never calls me

she is looking for someone to listen

watching me

she is expensive...

she is threatening to turn the world upside down

she is the keeper of secrets
she is cleaning the toilet
for the next customer
she is glamourous
she is feathers
she is brilliant actress
she deconstructs the myth of dj
she seems to be honest while we are cheaters

she is reality

 she is filling her cupboard with shoes

she is filling her neghbours house with nightmares

magdalene clutching at Jesus' feet in gethsemene
" noli me tangere' the bastard says

she is refusing to be blamed

she is walking a road of necessity
she can protect me
she is barefoot
she is filling cupboards with fetish

would sir like a nurse tonight?
she is dancing to forget
marmelade panties
would sir like to eat my maremalde [anties?
she is masquarading as mad
but she isn't

she is spring and summer never cold

now she has to be a cheese omlette
she is dreading the fuck from behind
she is romantisizing abuse
but at least she can weep without being seen
for a chef in a divorce procedure 
she is just a little girl

just a little girl lost

oh oh oh
she is searching for her jewels in the rubbish tip
she is illiterate
she is trying to remember where she just came from

emotionally highly intelliegnet

she is wired
she is tender
she is washing her fanny quickly ready for the next
she is my disaster
she is rubbing banana oil on her fanny
for the next
now she has to be fresh meat covered in a soft plastic
she is packing to go on holiday
she is hoping she can obliterate the smell of her own body in the
she is walking over sleeping bodies
bake me bake me and he comes
fantasy perfumes she can rub from the bottle
she knows
as nonexistent
she is walking over sleeping bodies counting the dreams
now she makes a veegetable pie of him
]he has no meat
she is giving back the secrets one by one to the bestowers
it is his fantasy
he is all vegetable
she forgets herself
for a moment
he pays for his vegetables
whilst the dollars roll in
she is something secure she is civilisation
right
she is the hole of holes
she is emptying her heart other peoples secrets
where were we?
she is the holy hole
she is climbing  onto a tower in the city to tell the secrets
she is the centre of the universe
om
the hole
zero
she is a tremendous chameleon
she is the story weaver
no   thing
she is going to 'spill'
she is an actress
she is going to sing

her eyes out

she is a diva

she loves to eat lobster

now she has to clean her entrails
in expensive restaurants

you fucking fuck

basically eshe is erotic herbs

she knows he likes her to dress up as a nun

with rubber underwear on underneath
only for christmas
she knows he would like to take this nun
to a restaurant
she is shy
and finger her under the white
starched tables
he is a Judge
she is a Nun
but only on christmas
she thinks his fantasy very old fashioned
and lacking in contemporary
postmodern nuance
she is speaking the language of flowers
from now on she is the archbishop!!
she is waiting for a fnatsy she can enjoy
but its all church
she is  teaching the properties of herbs

she is waiting for love of her life
the most modern man in europe!
 she is burning at the stake
she is openming her legs for mankind
she is remembering her previous journies
she is BORED
yes
she is tired
she has been here before
and she wants to en-joy
none of  that saviour bullshit
she is taking the sins of humanity

she is drenched from fucking all fucking day long
she mistrusts women
who feel sorry for her
and all she wants to do is sleep
yes
and she does
she is my beautiful indication for relax

she wants a career
that uses her mind
she is curious to meet us
she is
she wants to see us naked
she is healer
she is hoping she may not be judged
she wants to know she is safe
in our hands
she is waiting for us to undress

she is waiting for us to step out from under our fears

she is just a woman

leather armour

she is trying to pay her rent
she feel naked without the makeup
with a bit of metal

she is trying out a new receipe cut out from a friends magazine
i she is a symptom of perfect normality

she would like to know wich boat we are sailing
she wants to open a cheese shop

she is liberating the secrets

she is broke
she is desperate
cosmogeneticaliberating

she is owrn out

she is washing her own feet
she wishes she had paid more attention at school
burned out
she is realizing her life
hurt
she knows how to wash his feet in oils
she kind of enjoys her skills
she is wearing kinky underwear under the long staid kaftan
like a distant echo on putrid waters swallows up his own reflection in miriade of perfect bows
she will play the game

she is so bitter
sad
she wants to gobble sweetness

sweet and sour
of her past
she lies
she embrace she listen she uderstood
she lies professionally
she is flicking through her diary

she likes vodka

she like full moon 

she like flowers
incense..
gorgeous lace
......

I want to be unsure man crowded with fantasies
I wnat a woman who is not afraid of me as a man
i'm not a fascist i'm a nice guy

I want you to tell me other mens secrets

and i want to know what brings a man to the point that he pays to be caressed

you make it sound so sweet

Don Juan gets it for free!
who is dJ?


21.06. 2006

"In the war I........"

in the war I hardly kept my style
in the war I painted guns
in the war I painted soldiers
in the war i lost my appetite

I couldn't write my name
let alone a poem

in the war i was conquering soldiers

in the war i slept in mud
with thousands of other dirty soldiers

in the war i rememberd all of my lovers

i lost my hairs

i lost my friend
i lost my mind

i lost my memoris in the war i found that all was fair

like in love
in the war i discovered my beast
afterwards the dirty bastards ate my lover
everything was justified
in order to survive
in the war i watched my friend lose his face
half of it torn away by shrapnel

i painted this so as not to go mad

into the sand
in the war i fell in love with a camerade soldier

in the war i tired to imagine that the bayonet was my dick

in the war i was a very young man

sward was my dick
in the war they fed me porn movies before the battle

i was raping in the war a lot

women and men, too
in the war i broke babies in two

in the war i bit off the penis of my friend
because if not i would have died

in the war i was not i in the war my weapon and my penis became one

this is ghappening now in a real cliche
I lost the sense who the enemy is

in the war i found my raison d'etre
far away
in the war i performed

duties

of hollow men

in the war my soul died

in the war i wanted to fuck a lot
in the war i wanted to win
but not the dirty soldiers
i wanted even the dirty soldier

lying next ot me in the mud
in the war i thought of my lovers
and wrote poems fro them

in the war i discovered the human body

i started to like that smell, mixture of gun oil and dirtiness and sweat of men

in the war i learnt that flesh is just clothing
 in the war i decided my own law  
in the war i liked to cut flesh open
in the war i have identity crisis

in the war blood was paint
I learned that the taste of blood is erotic
painted on the walls with the blood of slaves
in the war i became the other
in the war i liked to humiliate my prisoners
i liked to make them into animals
fell in love with war

i often asked myself are there ever any winners in a war

I learned not to thikk too much

i learnt to think of women
and men
as thjings
as being already dead in my memory

in the war i have the dreams of the calm river
far far far away so far far away there is the sound of water

in the war all i could think of were rations
when would my next rations come?:
my cigrattes

my sugard
my tea
and for the very first time i experienced HUNGER
my soup
yes hunger for food and for flesh
far far far away somebody blowing out the candles on a birthday cake

the essence beauty and simplicity of hunger
someone writing me a post card

" i miss you darling"
and me thinking i can't put a face to the name
far far far away reminding me of where I am

everything was so clear in the war. people. relations. life. and death

the word fuck became basic vocabulary
others were thinking for me in the war

fuck fuck fuck cuck the lot of you
it wispered itself all the time

far far away life was ordinary
fuck
i never had my own place

sometimes i wished i had a real home
i could call my own
that i might miss
"freedom was slavery"
my militay unit is my home
and ONE woman waiting for me there\
with my kids
waiting too
boo hoo hoo
they would cry at night
as a lonely violin thinking of me thousands of miles away
waiting for their daddy to return

reminisce over missed opportunities
many times i cried hidden in the night
imagining my funeral

would my body be buried in one piece
or mutilated?
exactly
and where?
who gives a damn
would i be like burnt dinner in the tank they blew out?
barebqued don Juan?
oops, we forgot
to turn him ove4r
the feast of ages
you know, despite all this
I kind of liked the war
because it was in some ways my kind of place

a place full of men

all lost
all on the edge
of life and deasth

diggng themselves into invisibility in the earth

some of them wouold take pot shots
at the wounded
just for fujn
for fucking fujn
fun

the essence of humour, to become just a stupid machine
yes
 it is good to be machine
like a stupid machine
bored into the ground
in this fucking war i came from
into nothing

how do we do this war well?
We dont
we are done

i was ok in war. i can't handle it now, in peace

no this is not peace merely the absence of war

too much peace out there!
maybe i fuck a lot becausee i need to forget
i like the absence of war
its a start
of the nightmare
the replay
the funeral
recollection
remeberance
when i returned from the war i felt cleaner
i felt like a good man
sir Don juan
a saw yust a black crows around me
i felt closer to other men
Knight don juan
Lord don juan
"o pitiful spite that i was born to set it right"
and some of the women who fought with me
( they were bitches you know)

but i fought the war for you
for you!!!!

so give me a fucking parade

what would you like to see in your parade?
 what sort of music rings in your ears?
 What does the band play?

symphony of hell

don't take the music there
this is the end

i am human you know
are you?
me too

in the war i didn't listen to voices like this
pacifist shit
i did my duty
like any honest man would
i did what i was told to. i am clean
duty of my prick
I don't hate you
fuck the duty

you are hero
hmmm

bring in the banners
i'm just an ordinary guy you know

just an ordinary hero
with evil eyes
beautiful eyes

and very bad flying technique
catch a look

i am the one who jumps through windows onto my horse and runs away

why?

well there is rape in every kiss

your horse turns to you and whispers Don Juan I love you
thank you

will i ever find myself?

oh god

in the war i never talked like this
 i thought of god and the absence of him
of what men and women are made of
now you've ripped yourself bare and spewed your revoltingness over my floor, I'm wanting you more than ever
of flesh

if you want intense feeling,
stick a kitchen knofe in your arm
 
it'll pass
 dancing  and slipping in the blood
nontheless
it's just a bit of fesxual frustration

if men fucked too much on the battlefield they would never kill
 
dance your words with blood and bonds of guns and balls
its your fucking life
go on go on
dance dance dance

terrorist

freedome fighter
red shoes bewilder me
dance dance dance
explode
go on go gon go on
AAAAGGGGHHHHH
what is it ?

im a shell that cant explode
holding our breaths
in the war
i often held my breath
im a shell that cant explode
Don Juan
yes?
yes my love?

in the war i am far awaay

holding our breaths
in the navy....
lets hold each others breaths
don't let any musician play a note
silence

for there never was alovelier music as a violin left alone

I am don Juan
and I have been to mumbai
on my horse
and i know how beautiful your women are
and your men
and i am tired of my war
I've eaten your bread
it has been hell
drunk your wine
and i return to find myself misunderstood

than try to find a place in mine

in the war
i killed - yes - it was normal
it was my job
and when i come back
nobody cares
o the luscious scarlet lips hidden in a wilderness of raw black entwined silk

where did that come from?

see how my fantasy life just slips out
unannounced
there is no place for confessions
nobody understand
uncalled for
nobdy love me really
just the idea of me
I am don Juan the actor
my role is don Juan

i feel a natural postcoital mood come over us
like a gapping mouth running with a salty smell of fresh born whitered flowers blown out as a velvet juice on empty mirrors

salty bursts like memories of lustfull pisoires
to make tears
like roman soldiers
we were paid in salt

my red shoes are full of salt

Don Juan

yes?
are you tired of all this?
wouldn't you sometimes like
to curl up on a sofa
like a cat
and stay????
bewildered
stay....
purr
i will take care of you
i will let you display your weapns on the wall
i will let you tell stories about your war
at our dinner parties
i will let you imagine
i am the soldier friend you loved
sliping gently into that vertigo of touches and contacting and repeling and moving closer as the kiss that hangs between us as pure opportunity of chance has made me soft
i am the enemy you killed my friend
i wanted to forget and i want to be happy
i will let you play golf
golf ?
i will let you have your breakdown
discreetly
and liquid, ebony, a scream that none shall heat
hear
i will lie next to you
and never ask you anything
or steal
your buttocks

golf is green

and slow
and bourgeois
and sunday
and very healthy
and you get to hit a very small thing
around the place
war is healty for the economy
over vast distances
and you can chat
and a lot of shit 
from hole to hole
about the ways od the world
yes
this and that
and how you are too tired to change it now
who to bomb next
the sluggish movements in the mating season of two monsters tangled up in one another moving spills out melons tossed into the ground to split in an gratifiing burst of sighs
that you are wearing this hideous sweater
oops just slipped out
the demon in me
time for a gin

burst from that desire that skin was torn and clenched and finally was brought to sleep oops just slipped out

and all the dwellers now are going but for me who stays and plays with the hidden part of bodies and my brain shall stay for evermore and my shadow from that curtain lying shall be lifted nevermore